change of scenery

2011-03-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

2007-09-08T11:59:00.000-07:00

ok so i switched up the blog game, but never posted the new link up here. stupid right? but anyway, here it go:

*the new ish*

so i'll catch all you over there. :)

2007-08-10T13:13:00.000-07:00

on a break from some heavy shit, with my apologies for having such a drama-enthused blog...

Your Career Personality: Capable, Friendly, and Energetic

Your Ideal Careers:

Actor
Advertising Executive
Artist
Counselor
Entrepreneur
Musician
Politician
Psychologist
Teacher
Television Reporter

The Quick and Dirty Career Test

...look at her! yeah that's me for sure haha. seriously though some of those are good.

You Are Modernism

You tend to be oriented toward the future and technology.
You like art that signals how the world might change in radical ways.
As far as art goes, everything in the past is obsolete - and it's time to carve a new path.
You prefer art that doesn't follow any rules - even if the art doesn't make much sense.

What Art Movement Are You?

...that is spot on.

whereas this could not be more wrong!...

Your Life Path Number is 8

Your purpose in life is to help others succeed

You are both a natural leader and a natural success. You are also a great judge of character.
You have a head for business and finance. You know how to make money.
A great visionary, you can see gold where other people see nothing.

In love, you are very generous - with gifts, time, and guidance.

You love to inspire people, but it can be frustrating when they don't understand your vision.
Great success comes easily for you. But so does great failure, as you are very reckless.
You are confident, and sometimes this confidence borders on arrogance.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

You Are a Rainbow

Breathtaking and rare
You are totally enchanting and intriguing
But you usually don't stick around long!

You are best known for: your beauty

Your dominant state: seducing

What Type of Weather Are You?

...HAHAHAHA that was in no way planned!

partially true, i think...

You Are A Martini

You are the kind of drinker who appreciates a nice hard drink.
And for you, only quality alcohol. You don't waste your time on the cheap stuff.
Obviously, you're usually found with a martini in your hand. But sometimes you mix it up with a gin and tonic.
And you'd never, ever consider one of those flavored martinis. They're hardly a drink!

What Alcoholic Drink Are You?

You Have A Type B Personality

You're as laid back as they come...
Your baseline mood is calm and level headed
Creativity and philosophy tend to be your forte

Like a natural sedative, you have a soothing effect on people
Friends and family often turn to you first with their problems
You have the personality to be a spiritual or psychological guru

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

...no shit.

Your Kissing Purity Score: 26% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell...

But word is, you kiss pretty well.

Kissing Purity Test

...that picture cracks me up!

and finally...

Your Birthdate: March 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame.
You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them.
Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing.
You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship.

Your strength: Your charm

Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics

Your power color: Indigo

Your power symbol: Four leaf clover

Your power month: December

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

listening to: majestic 12 - "alone again (truby trio treatment)"

2007-08-06T00:35:00.000-07:00

i've decided it has been way too long since i'd been out dancing with my friends. tonight was so much fun, and i'm so sad that my summer here is almost through! but i brought my ass home and i'm about to pass the fuck out, and i just wanted to write how much fun i had at my last summer stir of 2007.

i wish i were more of a picture taker though, because i just don't have any pics of my friends that i've taken. i think it's because i hate having my picture taken so much. i'm just always the pastey shiny one. sometimes it's ok, though, so i wish i had taken more pictures tonight. oh well. i'm sure erryone else did.

2007-07-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
today is the most stressful mess of a day in recent memory. i can't go
into details now because there is still more craziness to come. but i
will be back.

back. so i woke up reluctantly, feeling really
tired and dreading doing anything. this being the case, i reset my
alarm for 30 more minutes. my dad then calls up to me to remind me i
really need to get the car inspected and cut the grass today. i know
this already, but his telling me makes it seem more urgent, and so i
only sleep for 20 more minutes. i get up, shower, dress, leave for the
license place in the mall to get my registration renewed. i drive all
the way there, thinking "i can get all this done today. it's all good."
i get to sketchy northgate and two cars almost hit me from driving right
through their fucking stop signs. then once i spot a parking space,
the fucking moron driving in front of me can't decide where he's going
but he knows one thing for sure and that's that he's going to take
FOREVER TO GET THERE! i finally park and get out of my car and experience
a moment of dread, realizing i have forgotten my wallet.

so i drive all the way home. keep in mind i was going to do that renewal
thing before my doctor's appointment. now i do not have enough time to only
barely make it on time to my appointment alone. so i drive to duke, and parking
is an expected disaster. i walk to the clinic and there are only 2 people in
front of me. "no problems here," i think to myself maybe my day is
turning around. wrong. there is one person at the check-in desk and
she's slow as fuck and apparently knows the lady she's checking in, but
who has come to the wrong clinic! they're chatting it up and laughing
about the mistake, and then the receptionist gets up and leaves. when
she gets back she shuffles some things around on her counter and says
casually, like business as usual, "next person." 10 minutes to check
in, and i'm late as hell. and i get a look that the receptionist is thinking to herself: "wow you're late."

as if i didn't know. so i take my half-completed paperwork to a chair and
realize i have no pen because i just cleaned out my bag yesterday. so i
decide just to read and fill it out once i get into the room. thank god
i brought a book, because it was my saving grace throughout this train
wreck of a day.augusten burroughs' "dry." and yes i know books are supposed to be underlined, but i'm taking liberties. i'm re-reading it, and it is a amusing book considering i'm in the hospital. i get back to the room and the nurse, who has good
intentions i have to say, completely fucks my finger up with a blood
sampling. it's not hard. and it's anendocrine clinic so lord knows
she's had practice. my finger is oozing blood and she gives me 2
bandages. she means well, but it's only fitting considering the day so
far. i then fill out my paperwork, which i basically give up on,
because it reads "problems and concerns" and gives me a small space to
fill some things in. i just decide to write "i'm a mess."

the nurse practitioner i see is always a very nice lady, so this visit is not bad. we set some goals for me to take better care of myself, because
as noted i;m a mess. even though the visit goes well, the stress of
just how much i am a mess is a weight not to be lifted. speaking of
weight, i weigh like 6 pounds more than i thought i did, which pisses
me off. i then get my lab work done and leave to get my renewal and my
inspection done.

arriving at northgate i have more incidents
of incapable drivers. and please note if i find your driving crazy,
you've really fucked up. i go into the place and there's no line. a
good thing. i get up to the counter and greet the man and hand him my
card to get my renewal and he says, "cash or check only, sir." i say
"are you kidding me?" and he points to theatm in the corner. so i go
over to it and make a withdrawal with a $2.50 fee and come back, and
drop the money on his desk and do not speak to him anymore. i leave and
go to jiffy lube to get my inspection done. this idiotic man takes
forever just to walk his ass to my car to tell me to wait inside. i
tell him i know i have a headlight out, but i have my bulb that i
bought on my dashboard with my registration.i'm thinking this is fine and i'll be home soon.

they haven't even pulled my fucking car into the building when another guy
comes to me and says they aren't able to put the bulb into my car, so i
won't pass the inspection. aren't able or just won't do? just curious,
since my car is not in theshop and has had no attention yet. i say it's fine but i'd like paperwork in case i get pulled over uninspected. he says ok
like it'll be seconds later. my car has still not moved, and people are
being helped left and right around me, so i go out the garage and
annoyed ask if i couldjust get my papers so i can leave. he says i'm
sorry but your information has to be entered into the database. that
takes 15 fucking minutes! long enough for me to see the end of judgejudy
and the first segment of hard copy or some bullshit like that. another
guy comes in and tells me it's $24. just for a paper that says my car is not ok
! he then tells me i should have told him not to do anything. but i was
not told these details. i get in my car and leave for home. wash the
dishes and cut the grass, and take a shower.

and that brings us here. and this may not seem that frustrating to someone just reading
it, but the back story here is that i just got paid and paid off a
third of my lawyer fees and now have spent $100 in medical-related
costs, and $75 in car-related costs, and my gas is almost empty and
glaring at me to fill it or else. so i have like $50 dollars until - wait for it - NEXT friday! i'm trying to keep things in perspective but there's no way in hell. so i will have to get money from my parents. i'm trying to actually be an adult and not do that, but things like this keep happening and it makes it really pretty much impossible right now.

F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-I-N-G.

you always hear people say, "i feel like i could scream," and think, damn,
it's not that serious. but today i would be right there with them
screaming my ass off. that is if i wasn't getting ready to get in bed
and pull the blanket over my head.

2007-07-10T03:26:00.000-07:00

i couldn't sleep very well last night, so i just laid in bed. some of the night i would just think and some of it i watched movies on my laptop to escape. my dad came home around midnight and apologized to me, crying. i apologized too, and immediately felt bad that my mom was asleep and i couldn't apologize to her right away. i guess that's partly what kept me up during the night, so i wouldn't miss her before she left for work today. as dramtic as it is, it really feels like moments or days like yesterday change you in some irreversable way. like an ending of a chapter, or something. it's not at all like a new lease on life; nothing new really. but there is consolation in the fact that if you can get through that, you might just be alright after all.

i really don't feel like going to work today, and being cheerful retail person, but in a small way it might really help to lose myself in the monotony of greeting and packaging and scanning, and all those important things. it's very hard to say what today will be like because i've never felt like i sunk so low before. so i'll treat to day as a field test and we'll see. if it goes badly, at least it won't be as bad as yesterday, and that means a lot really.

2007-07-09T16:54:00.000-07:00

today took quite a bad turn. i was asleep most of the day, because i've been having crazy dreams and waking up later and later because of it. i hung out a little with my brother and talked to him a while about my parents. we are both feeling really distant from them recently. and they've been weirder and weirder and being upset for no apparent reasons. i took up for them a little, though, and said that i've been trying to talk to the to find out what is wrong. but then today when my dad came home to get me to pick up my car, things took a turn. he had called me and told me to be ready when he got home, and of course i wasn't. but he only had to wait like 5 minutes at the most. then when i get into the truck, he starts telling me how all he asked was that i be ready and i couldn't even do that. and i said i was sorry, and asked him if anything else was wrong, and he said no at first. but he said it in a way that obviously it wasn't true. so i asked him and he so nicely obliged me the information. and it was a barrage of judgments and accusaions, and so i said fine i'm just a huge disappointment, and he went to hit me and he didn't, but i told him to go ahead. he didn't though, and i got my car and went home. i've been feeling really worthless and hopeless lately and this came out of nowhere and really did a number on me. i came in the house to talk to my mom and she was not helpful at all, and could not understand where i was coming from. when she tried to talk to me it just made things feel worse. i went upstairs and began taking ibuprofens, because i had decided i was going to end it all. i took in all just under twenty, and then drank some wine and cried more into my pillow. then i read some things online about suicide and started to change my mind about going through with it. my mom came back up and i told her i didn't want to talk, but i did a little and then she said some things that made me feel it again and i took some more. this is the second time this summer that i have really felt out of control and completely hopeless. i'm not sure what to do. i've hurt people and myself and i don't know how to reconcile it all. part of me just feels like let them be disappointed in you and go on with your life, but then a bigger part feels like it is unbearable and that their words and beliefs about me are just enough to make mine that much worse and it feels like too much to take. i've never felt this low. i feel trapped and that nothing i could do after this could make up for the disappointments i've caused. i don't know what to do, and i feel horrible for posting this, but i have no one i feel like i can talk to, and i was hoping this would help. i'm so tired of hating myself this much, and to the point where if one person sas something hurtful or acts as if i've let them down, i feel it is all over. i'd like to think things could get better, but i'm just not sure if they can, and if i can change my life enough to where people could believe in me or i could believe in myself more. this must sound completely crazy, and that's how it feels too. this isn't a reaching out, but thank you to whoever is reading it and maybe understands. i really hope things could get better. there are a lot of great people in my life, and i don't want to let them down any more, and that's the only thing i know for sure right now.

2007-07-04T21:44:00.000-07:00

robin sent me this link and these are my results:

My personalDNA Report

sorry in advance that the colors clash so badly with my blog, but otherwise it's kinda pretty, huh?

2007-07-03T21:03:00.000-07:00

so if i gave these entries titles, or my potential autobiography up til
this point, it would be "trying to be a grown-up." with a distinct
emphasis on trying.

the reason i bring it up? i acquired yet another ticket this
past weekend. it was only for speeding, but it follows in what seems
like an endless line of car and driving related problems. i hate to
whine about it, but somehow it does seem excessive. but anyway itcould've been much worse than it turned out, and for that i am truly grateful.

but this brings me to my title. anytime something of this nature comes up i feel like i'm 15 or something, and am scared to tell my parents and own up to my mistakes. it's so pathetic. and this time i'm
making a strong effort to handle everything myself. work out the lawyer
choosing, and paying for everything, and just basically taking full
responsibility for this problem. we'll see how well it will go, and to
be honest, this week was one of the worst ones it could have happened.
naturally. that's because my mom is out of town for one, and my dad's
birthday is the 5th, and there's a holiday, and he's off work the rest
of the week. so i don't want to bring it up and ruin a birthday or a
holiday with everyone, andi'm torn about waiting til mom is back to get
it over with with both of them at once or each separately. there are
pros and cons either way, so who knows. it's just very frustrating,
because i know i can handle this and come out fine, buti'm just scared of disappointing my parents. i'm 25 in case anyone didn't know, so it feels a bit sad.

i just hope there is a day where i'll wake up and feel like the adult i'm
supposed to be. it's so scary to think of going through life being this
unsure of everything and feeling like my life is crazy. i doubt it
works that way, though, so for now it's little steps and cruise control
settings for me.

2007-06-28T05:49:00.000-07:00

the third-shift life... what what? yeah i'm awake today at 8:30 after finally falling asleep at 4-somethin this morning and waking up at 6:30 to say bye to mom who was going to the airport. the moral of this story is that while this is all fine and good at the moment, when i'ma be up in banana werkin that wrap until 10, i'm gonna be bout as wore out as a lady could get if i don't get more sleep today.

other than that, errything is going well. i'm enjoying work. it is soo nice to get out the damn house! i cannot even tell you. but it feels like i haven't donything much all summer so far and that makes me sad since it's like 1/2 over. but whatchagonnado? i'm just gonna hafta do it up big from here on out.

however on the agenda for today is some cleaning, because yesterday i was all about some yardwork and didn't get anything done inside. i might be able to squeeze in some time to read at some point, along with providing enough time to try on everything to figure out what to wear to work. i feel like edina in the doorhandle episode. she tries to plan her clothes out for the next day to save time, but when she puts it all on, she can't do it. and so it takes me awhile to get ready. plus we're working with limited choices for work, which tends to make me a little bored with some options. at any rate, it's gonna be an exciting day. knowing me, non of it will get done in the proper fashion, and i'll be scrambling around to finish anything... but at least i have a plan.

2007-06-27T21:51:00.000-07:00

*i've been ridiculously indecisive and distracted lately and have not been able to post anything, so this seems like the kind of thing to do, just to keep up in some sense...

"Little Red Corvette" - baby, you're much too fast.

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"Pussy Control" - Prince. (LOL you know I always say that, actually ;)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"The Strangest Thing '97" - George Michael. (I'm not that comfortable liking THE strangest thing, really, but some strangeness is aiight)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"It's Over (Mike Cruz Mix)" - Georgie Porgie feat. Joi Cardwell. (Too through!)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Skate" - Monica. (Anyone who's witnessed me skating knows this is not true)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Dinner With Delores" - Prince. ("Like a brontosaurus, she was packin it in"... that makes me so sad to think of much of this song as being my motto, but that makes it kinda appropriate)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Surfboard" - Sergio Mendes feat. Will.I.Am. (The song is fun and very ecclectic, so I'm gonna approve of it)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Thank Heaven 4 U" - Esthero. (That is the sweetest serendipity ever. Made me tear up just a little)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Are You The One?" - Peter Cincotti. (Haha funny, but not exactly..)

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
"Not About Love" - Fiona Apple. (Shows just how well I focus on math)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIE?
"The World Is Not Enough" - Garbage. ("Together we can take the world apart" That's right, bitches)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Azul Anil" - Gabin. ("Azul Anil" is Portuguese and translates to "Blue Indigo", which is kinda abstract, but it's a pretty song so it's ok)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"Slap That Bass (Miguel Migs Petalpusher Mix)" - Ella Fitzgerald. (Basically I would be happy with either Ella or Miguel being the soundtrack of my lifestory, bot BOTH?! I'm pretty fortunate there)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Insatiable" - Prince. (Hell I'm that way now. Guess I can stop wishing, huh? What a relief : / )

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Only (Weekender Vocal Mix)" - Aquanote. (Kinda pessimistic/cynnical but it really kinda fits me. Sweet in the end, though... "It's only love that matters")

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Chicken Noodle Soup" - Webstar & Young B. (This has GOT TO BE my favorite song occurrance! What better song? LOL)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Allright" - Speakeasy. ("Everything's gonna be allright" Kinda diminishes my importance, but what do I care, I'm dead)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST??
"Forever More (Can7 Hometree Mix)" - Moloko. (I love Moloko, and this is one of my favorite songs, but the analysis really stops there)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
"Gotta Move" - Barbra Streisand. (Yes I'm so queeny with the Barbra song here, but it really kinda fits my fears. I'm really afraid of moving away from the people I love or familiar things in a lot of ways, although I would really love to travel and see all kinds of things and places in my life. I'm just always having a hard time reconciling these fears)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Miniskirt" - Esquivel. (I love that this came up, but it is not a secret of mine. I'm not that kind of queen. At one point in my life, perhaps it would have been more of a possibility, but no. Shoes would be closer, but still not really)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Eu Sou Favela" - Seu Jorge. (This doesn't translate nicely, but the song is about the rough areas/ghettos of Sao Paulo, so that is not a good representation of my friends)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Little Red Corvette" - Prince. (Damn, ANOTHER Prince song! That's crazy. But it proves I'm not tweaking my results)

2007-06-17T01:21:00.000-07:00

so i just got home from craig's birthday party, and i am not really sure how i'm feeling right now. recently i have felt more and more self conscious and it's hard to have a good time when i go out. i try to put together cute outfits and all that shit, but it's just not the problem. everyone was taking pictures and the whole night i'm thinking: please don't let them catch my shiny red face in any of these. i've had a hard time with my appearance and my body for a long time, but recently it's been a lot more on my mind, and i can't have fun when i go out and it's really brought me down tonight. i saw a lot of people i knew tonight and that part was really great and no one is acting as if i have something to worry about, but i almost wish it were that, because then i could just hate a few random people and not have to deal with it myself. i fucking hate the summer. it is just impossible for me to feel any good type of way during the summer, because it's sticky and hot and i'm pastey and not in as good of shape as i want to be, and it's just a mess. this must sound so superficial, but it's really not. it's something i've always struggled with, but it's just really become a problem much more for me recently. i don't even want to go out because of it, and now i'm depressed at 4:30 in the morning and there's nothing to be done about it. i hate to be so whiney but there's no way i could actually tell anyone this it's so pathetic, so i thought i would try to get it out this way.

2007-06-04T13:38:00.000-07:00

so i'm still waiting to start work, and i've gone stir crazy being at home all the time, which tends to happen. frankly i'm surprised i lasted this long. but i really do need to get out, because i'm sorta cranky at times when i don't mean to be. i haven't been outwardly cranky, but i've noticed the feelings. i really can't wait to start working and living my life in a more normal fashion for me. i'm not a stay home all the time person.

i've been sick and gross for the past few days. ew. sinus infection and fevers. i'm in constant bewilderment and disgust at all this sneezing and coughing. where does it all come from? i hope today is the death sentence for this bullshit, because i don't want to be sick and gross anymore.

and so out of boredom i have stumbled on quizzes from robin's journal, and thought i'd do them before i do some laundry and continue sickly domesticity. and here are the results, unsurprising, but nevertheless...

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.
You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.

You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.
Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well.

At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn.

Your Fixation: Envy

Your Primary Fear: To have no identity

Your Primary Desire: To find yourself

Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

What Number Are You?

Your Love Quote

True love stories never have endings.

What Love Quote Suits You?

listening to: gorillaz - "faust"

2007-05-31T06:32:00.000-07:00

i just got a very early call (like 9ish haha) to inform me that i have a new job at the banana waiting for me. i was unable to get this message in person because i did not recognize the number and i'm a call screener from way back. but i'm so excited! i'ma call them back momentarily to confirm it. however the previous post still stands until further notice, and that individual is being put on official sketch-watch until (hopefully) evidence clears him of such charges.

hearing: onda - "deeper love"

2007-05-30T00:47:00.000-07:00

yesterday was definitely one of the worst ever. i don't really want to get into it a lot, because it go on for a long time, but the brief version is that i disappointed my dad very much over something pretty small, but also fairly easy for me to have done right. afterwards he said some very hurtful things, which he's apologized for already, but that really fucked me up. the things he said were judgments i have of myself that are very difficult to live with, but that i thought were at least not shared by my parent(s). i'm not sure if he meant them, or if he was simply angry, but it put a lot of doubt in my mind. after that i felt pretty defeated and not really up to much, but i had my follow up interview at banana shortly after. i had already been warned about this guy from my friend and from the lady that interviewed me the previous day. she really liked me and told jody that, which i thought was very encouraging, but i'm not sure if it was just what happened earlier or what but the second interview did not go well, i don't think. he was a complete dick, and just on some hyper-masculine type shit combined with short people syndrome, and i tried to win him over but it's very hard to say how well that went. i am worried, though. i could always find something else, yes, but it just felt very defeating for me, especially after what happened earlier. all i did after that was sleep. i slept for hours and woke up around 9 at night to have some cereal and see everyone at home. now of course i can't sleep, but truthfully it's ok, because late at night i won't really have anything to deal with and can be alone to think or whatever.

i sure hope things work out. i'm becoming increasingly tired with settling for things. i'm not underqualified for these bullshit jobs, and i am feeling some type of way about possibly being snubbed by this dick. we'll just see. i may try to sleep now. tomorrow i may just read and clean up a little around the house to distract myself. i think it could be a good thing. goodnight everyone.

2007-05-29T23:00:00.000-07:00

music/inspirations of the moment (in video form, so it won't get stuck in your head, unless you want it to...robin ;)...this entry's a bit long, but oh well.

bjork. declare independence.

tori amos. almost rosey.

rufus wainwright. going to a town.

....the previous three because they are all included in my all-time favorite artists, who apparently have conspired to release music at the same time, making it very difficult to acquire at the moment..haha.

saul williams w/ dj krust. coded language.

saul williams. black stacey.

....fairly new to his stuff, but i'm really loving the spoken word thing right now.

bassnectar. bomb the blocks.

....new from om records. video is slightly creepy, but the song is hella cool.

madonna. jump (axwell mix).

....a bit old, i know, but i have always loved this mix the best.

tracey thorn. raise the roof.

....because it's not all so serious and intense - and this video is the sweetest. not my very favorite track on her cd, but really you can't go wrong.

and as always...

Esthero - Musical Revolution

2007-05-20T12:13:00.000-07:00

things have continued to be pretty much as they started. which means it's been really chill bordering on supremely boring. i'm so broke. i hope i will hear from barnes and noble early this week, because even if they're really on top of it i wouldn't start working til just after the start of june because of scheduling. it's very discouraging. i really should get a real job of some sort, but i don't have a resume or any of that stuff, and it really shouldn't be so hard to get a stupid retail job for the summer. i mean honestly. i sorta kinda started exercising a bit, and am trying to keep up the idea that as long as i'm doing something it's good rather than focusing on how much whatever i am doing hasn't changed the way i look yet. we'll see how that goes. i haven't really even heard from anyone since i've been back, which has made me feel a little sad. maybe everyone but me is busy. i'm feeling kind of depressed about being at home all the time, though, and gas is so expensive that i feel bad if i just leave to drive somewhere i really don't need to go, and i'm trying to be thrifty being so poor and all. i can't bring myself to ask my parents for money right now, because i feel like it will obligate me to talk about my plans for the summer, which i really don't have, because i'm hoping (in an admittedly lazy way) that things just fall into some semblance of order. on one hand though i'm trying to remind myself to enjoy the down time, because when things are so busy all i want is that time, and now that things are not i want it to be busy again. today i sat out of church and realized that by going only a couple times i have set a precedent that i am willing to go every week. i will need to kill that idea with a quickness, though. i don't want to start a controversy but at some point i may just have to say in a nice way that i don't believe in all that. i'm dreading that conversation though. i won't deny it. what am i going to do today? it sorta feels like sundays when i was a kid; where it was kind of a waste of day because it just felt so depressing that you didn't really ever do anything. i could read or something maybe. i like to do that in the summer when i don't have all kinds of boring bullshit to read. or i could watch a movie. i rented angels in america and frida from the library, but they feel kind of heavy for the middle of the day. i don't know what my family is doing but from being here all the time i notice that i'm getting a little bit easily annoyed with people, and i feel badly about that, so i might need either to get out or just have some refreshing alone time, whatever that means (which i don't know at the moment). i got my grades back and i did a lot better than i thought i would, which was a big relief. i got an A- in art history, B- in marketing, C in finance, and a D in physics (which i already knew about). i was actually worried i might get down to a really bad gpa but i'm still over a 2.5 which i'm ok with. could be better, but also could be way worse. this is the ramblingest entry ever. i hope things start to work themselves int o a comfortable way for the summer. i don't want the whole summer to be about doubting and worrying over things. but then again, it is me after all. something will work out.

2007-05-13T01:38:00.000-07:00

so school is out and i'm back home. i'm feeling kind of relieved, but also kind of lost. i have pretty much been asleep since i got back home.

today is mothers day and i can't think of all the things i would like to do for my mom, but also i'm a bit on the poor side, so it's hard to negotiate all that. i'm gonna go out early this morning and get her some fresh flowers, and hopefully be back before she wakes up so i can set them up for her to see when she wakes up. i'm also - i fear - locked into going to church with my family to keep things pleasant between all of us. i feel like ultimately they wouldn't say anything if i chose not to go, but it would be uncomfortable. but i hate going to church so much. all that christian nonsense makes me so uncomfortable. and it's so long and you're sitting your ass on some bench seats like at a picnic and listening to some crazyface preacher go on and on about some shit. but i think i'ma go to keep things nice.

since i slept all day pretty much i was wide awake tonight long after everyone else was gone. so what did i do? i watched the golden child on alluc.org. haha. i loved that movie as a kid! it's so crazy as all 80s movies tended to be. and now it's like 4:45 and i have to be up early to get the things for mothers day before i have to be ready for church. so i don't know what to do. i guess i will have to sleep some. if i don't i may be hella cranky later on if i have been awake all kinds of long hours.

i've got so much on my mind and so much to figure out. first thing monday i need to figure out where i'm gonna be working. my position at cameron's is not really available, so i think i'm going to try to get my job back at barnes and noble. i'm not sure just how well that will work out, but i have high hopes. i could also try fosters, though, i'm not sure i should work there, because i'm going to try to get into shape. and that could be very counterproductive. but i liked working there a lot, and it was really chill, so it could be fun, who knows. if those things son't work out, i might take jody up on his offer to put in a good word for me at banana republic, although i'm a little nervous about working somewhere like that again. i just don't feel like dressing up and being crazyretailface all over again. i wish this was not always so hard, but maybe i'm making it out to be worse than it will be. things might just fall into place.

blah blah blah right? anyway i should probably go to bed. i miss my friends from school already! but i can't wait to see my friends here! i hope this is a great summer. i sure need a break.

music: esthero - gone

2007-05-09T23:53:00.000-07:00

today is the worst of pressure and craziness.

i'm still working on that damn paper. it's coming but too slowly to suit me. plus i have a managerial finance exam at 8AM that i have no idea how to study for the best way. i'm scared i will not do well. then i have a physics exam at 11:30. i'm less worried about that one than finance, but well let's just say it's all relative.

i'm a delerious zombie at this point, and so i decided i would drink a pot of coffee to gear me up. but guess what happened? or what i did, rather... i broke my coffeepot. :( i'm so sad right now. and so tired. it's a good thing jordanna gave me some hot tea the other day. and if that doesn't work i may be going to ingles to buy some expresso shots or vivarin tablets or something. desperate times... but it's all over tomorrow, and that thought will get me through no matter what. i'm determined.

listening to: rae & christian feat. pharcyde - "let it go"

2007-05-08T23:20:00.000-07:00

the end of the semester is near. it wouldn't be right without all kinds of craziness, though, and so it has been. crazy-almost car drama, ending "friendships", finals stacked on top of one another, and my favorite at the moment: term project/paper i've had all semester that i'm just starting tonight...and yes it is due tomorrow.

so that's where i'm at. i'm trying to get this project/paper done for my marketing class at the moment. i have 18 books to sort through as well as my textbook and websites, so it shouldn't be hard but well it just is. i'm feeling like i just don't have to perseverance to get it done for tomorrow, though. no surprise. i have a final in that class, as well, and it counts for 25% of our grade and the project is 15%. my test grades so far have been ok, so i think maybe one day of lateness could not kill me. plus theoretically it will give me time to study more for the final, which is at 11:30.

i have two more exams after that, though. managerial finance and physics both on thursday, and i have got to study for those 2 because they are my most challenging classes. plus then i have to be out of the dorms by like 9AM on friday. that means packing and cleaning up here, too. so i don't really have the time to drag this paper out, but even just a little bit would help, i'm thinking.

i feel like i need a vacation or something. things have been so heavy lately, that i can't seem to focus on anything. i've never really been in this position i'm in with respect to ending a friendship. it got to be very ugly and i fully intended to talk it through with them, but events unfolded that left me really hurt and angry and so i ended it hastily and angrily instead. in some kind of cosmic court or whatever i'm fully prepared to answer for that, but aside from that i really don't care. it's a relief and a huge burden at the smae time the way things have played out. i just need some time and distance from it to come back next semester completely numb and seperated from it altogether. but i have to get through this semester first. hmm.

besides all of that, even, i have to find a job when i get home. my job at cameron's is not really open at this point, so i'm going to try to get back on at barnes and noble or fosters or something. if neither of those work out, it may become a situation like last summer was, which is not a prospect i'm enjoying. so i hope at least one of those will come through.

my motivation is once again misplaced. happens way too often. i'm having a hard time picturing myself even getting this paper done with extra time. i have a really strong aversion to it at the moment that i don't see myself shaking. so i'm thinking i'll be more successful at studying for my finals first. this could be really wrong. it's hard to say at this juncture, but things are not working out as is. in the meanwhile i've made myself practically ill because of coffee consumption to keep from sleeping. i just don't have the energy for this stuff right now, and sleep is a much more attractive prospect. well either that or wasting time writing blog entries.. haha.

somewhere along the way i became a person who doesn't care about grades as much as i used to. i'm so through with school and i really don't like my major, and would love to change it to something completely impractical, but i'm so far in that that seems really dumb to do. so i'm stuck, and basically that means forcing myself through it. trouble is, look how great i am at that... yikes. i am so disconnected from my life right now, and my choices. i feel locked into everything, and a part of me is stuggling to rebel against it. unsuccessfully, i must add, but enough to affect my performance at school, which is troublesome. i just don't know where i fit into these situations and these categories and these choices i've built myself into.

but instead of contemplating these issues i really should work on something. just thought i should update the blog on the goings on of my life. wish me luck, please, whoever you are. and if you see my motivation please tell it is is truly missed and needed here. thanks in advance.

listening to:
diana ross and the supremes - my world is empty without you (tranzition mix)

...embarassing i know, but it came on randomly on my itunes, and at least i'm honest if nothing else. haha.

2007-05-04T01:07:00.000-07:00

"at first I wrote it "dear you," then it turned,
"to whom it may concern."
i began it in this way because
i needed to express through these words,
how deeply i was hurt,
and how distant from you i now was.
i wrote "normally i would say
these words to your face,
but this time that i just can't do...

this is my goodbye."

i have had a very difficult time here recently. as is usually the case at the end of the semester. i feel unable to focus on anything. and i really want to do well on my finals and as well as i can in my classes. i felt sick all day today for no reason and i've been so lost and so scattered that i completely forgot about my counseling appointment on the 2nd. i didn't remember it at all until the middle of the day today. and that would've really helped me right now, i think. and who does that? i've forgotten things a lot, but to not remember until the next day is really bad.

but that is just the thing. i'm so tired of trying to be the good student, the good friend, the good person, and it is never enough. i always come up short either for myself or for someone else. and it's gotten so tiresome and i just feel like giving up. there are several things on my mind and some of them that have been worrying me almost constantly that i think i'm ready to give up on. and i feel badly about that, but at some point enough is enough, truly. and i've made it through these things before, i'll just have to do it again. i feel like i don't even know what i want anymore or what i should do. it's a constant compromise of myself, and i'm not even fully aware when i'm doing it anymore really. and yes this is dramatic but it's late and it's my journal, so it's to be expected.

i am looking so forward to being back home. this place has gotten to be a place where i am always feeling uneasy and uncertain of myself, and i don't like feeling like that. i wanted that to be different also, but nothing seems to be working out as i'd hoped, so i really should stop being surprised by the disappointments.

in the meanwhile i'll be studying for my art history exam that's at 11:30. at least the one exam i feel the most sure of is the first one. i can be glad about that. but it's a lot of memorizing, so you know my forgetful ass better hop on that quick. also it is definitely almost 4:30 in the morning. i'm living the 3rd shift life, which is never a good sign.

2007-04-24T22:26:00.000-07:00

i found this video on you tube from def poetry jam, and ms. badu is too hot on here. sad to say that i hadn't heard this before, but it's her part on this song "liberation" by outkast from back in the day. got me feeling kind of creative like some shit could change for the better, so i'ma put it up hopefully to inspire some mo people. enjoy.

now you know that was hot, right?

2007-04-24T05:12:00.000-07:00

it's just after 8 AM and i'm up. it's ok because i have class at 9:25, but it felt important to note.

had a fantastic time last night with chad. we went to usual suspects and had some drinks and talked for a few hours. it was really nice to get away from everything and just laugh. that sounds way like i'm in an institution or something, and i've been let out on my free day, but it was not meant that way.

i had a tiny bit of work i was supposed to do for my class this morning but it didn't really get done, because i am always in favor of sleep rather than work. surprised? you shouldn't be. who are you and where did you come in? hahaha. but it's not a big deal. it's not a turned in thing or anything.

meanwhile it is scary crunch time (god i hate that expression) on the school front. physics is gonna be the worst. i have so much to work on for it. i'm devising a plan of action though. and truthfully, if everything doesn't get done, my life will continue. i've been less than extraordinary before, and i'm ok with it. but i'd like to get as much of it done as i can. which may possibly mean that i might randomly mention physics stuff if i'm in your presence. don't take it personally, and know that i'm ok behind all of it. it's a temporary insanity of sorts. in addition to that i have to start (oh yes i said start) on my marketing research project. i'm doing diesel jeans so it'll be fun, except my teacher is a hella cranky old man and who knows if my paper will be good enough for him. we'll just have to see. it's a shame because i was hoping that would be my favorite class but circumstances have unfolded otherwise to say the very least. need to start studying for my art history exam and making notecards as well. and that leaves finance class. i have no idea what all kinda miracles need to aid me in doing well in that class. our exam is cumulative essentially, so i need to turn back time cyndi lauper style and basically have a second round of classes to understand everything. i hope it'll be ok. as long as i get a C i'm gonna be thrilled. it's a whole class about being smart with money... if there were ever a class further from my nature i have not heard of it. who knows... but that being said if you happen upon my angel of mercy, please direct him or her to me with a quickness.

i'm feeling very confused and disillusioned about school and my life in a lot of ways right now, and can rest comfortably in the fact that i will make probably the wrong decisions in dealing with it all. more and more it all feels like a mistake to be in this degree, but even with this one that i've stuck with for a long time now i have 3 more semesters, which will make a total of 5 as a senior! that is ungodly! so changing it again is absolutely out of the question. i'm just feeling restless and it's making everything feel like a monumental pain in my ass.

this summer better be good. because this school year has been rough. there have been many good parts, too, but i'm ready for a much deserved break. also i really need to start going to the gym or something, because i'm feeling some type of way about all that right now. and most likely anything would help some, even if i will never look like i would like to look.

there's so many things to think about and to take on. there need to be like 3 or 4 of me to work all this out. however it's just me. so things are probably not gonna go down exactly as planned, and all i can say about that at this stage in the game is "so what?" slightly apathetic, i realize but what am i supposed to do? i mean i'd like to sleep ALL DAY today but i'm awake and going to finance class which is so long and painful, especially at this hour, and have a plan of action for getting things done this week. i feel that's all that can be asked of me, and anyone that has a problem with that can take their proper place at the back of the complaint line, and i will get to you when i feel like it. but that person is most likely me, so we'll see how i continue to work that problem out.

all that said, and since i cashed in my free day from the institution already this week, a bitch needs to get ready for class (scared face).

and in the spirit of confession and honesty, i have been slightly obsessed with this song in a closeted fashion, so i think it's fair that i should put it out there. it's fun, just remember that, and yeah, here it is:

Conceited

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on that note, i'ma go.

2007-04-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

erkah badu. didn't cha know.

"... i'm trying to decide
which way to go
i think i made a wrong turn back there somewhere...
...time to save the world
where in the world is all the time
so many things i still don't know
so many times i've changed my mind
guess i was born to make mistakes
but i ain't scared to take the weight
so when i stumble off the path
i know my heart will guide me back...
... free your mind and find your way
there will be a brighter day."

2007-04-18T03:22:00.000-07:00

still teetering on crazy. i fell asleep around 6 last night and slept til 4 something this morning. and now i'm fairly awake, but what the hell do you do this early in the morning? i took a shower and ate some cereal, but it's still hella early. so i'm actually debating lying back down. how much sleep does a person need?! clearly not this much.

i want to get an early start today, because i have to finish/start (depending on your perspective) my art history paper. and i have class essentially from 11:25-2:30 and then have a counseling appointment in the afternoon. so that doesn't leave much time for a paper that has to be turned in by 6.

my heart just isn't in this at all. i actually feel weak and physically tired even thinking about these things. i'm so tired of my life being like this. i don't even know what else to write. it's hard to explain, but i'm feeling like nothing is a good move on my part at this time of day and this point. none of it is making any sense, and my mind is all over the place. really not a good look at all.

listening to: esthero - "dragonfly's outro"

2007-04-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

my mind is anywhere but at school, in class right now. i don't know what's going on. i'm feeling really disconnected from my life lately. and that can be a problem. i have all this work to do, and it's getting done for the most part, but at the very lastest of moments. it's really a bad look.

my mind is preoccupied with all kinds of shit, and it's just really difficult to prioritize my time and push those things out of the way to get things done. i'm really not sure what it is that would help the most. it's both a blessing and a curse that the semester is almost over. i really need to get everything taken care of for summer school. i will do it tomorrow. that is a standing promise to myself. let's all hope i keep it, cause who i'ma be mad at if i don't, riight. that's not cute.

it's so childish to want to run away from your problems or to just consistently try to do anything to take your mind off them. ever heard of dealing with them? yes in fact i have and i'm trying but i'm conflicted on it. sometimes it seems like it's really about one thing and then that changes. which probably only really means i'm truly fucked. lol. not really but that is not helpful to dealing with it all. i have a counseling appointment on wednesday but dear lord where do i even start? who knows. it feels pretty hopeless pretty much all the time.

all the people that talk about how everyday is a fresh start baffle me. today is nothing but a continuation of my life up until this point and let me tell you it is anything but fresh. i am constantly reliving past mistakes and picking up the pieces and i feel like i'm not getting anywhere at this point. but then, where would i have myself go if i were able? i don't know. it makes you cross-eyed even to think in circles like this, much less live your life in that way. there have been a lot of good things happening recently as well, but they are continually dwarfed by my incessant worrying and inability to get out of my head.

i wish i could really feel like i was making a clean break with all my problems and just move on to bigger and better things in my life, but damn it's hard to do that, isn't it? i'm sure dr. phil or some of those crackpots would say no, but i just find all of that self help speak to be a little more than sickening at best. at the very least i think these people are living in deep denial of all that is truly wrong in their lives.

that's really not fair, but that is what i would be doing if i just decided - poof - there go my problems and all my shit, bring on my life. so the large lesson it seems is that there is some balance i need to find between those two. if i could just get that part right, maybe some things would turn around.

thanks for listening, whoever you are. it is good just to get things out somehow, even for a moment. i'm feeling really tired and that a short nap is in order. then i have to pick up a perscription. i want to see some poeple tonight, also. as far as work i have to finish my art history paper tomorrow, so i should work on it some tonight. also some finance problems to do. all very doable, as long as you're not being bombarded with craziness and consequently are unable to focus. let's just hope that will not be the case. it be good to be that person that gets things done at least once in awhile, if only to keep things interesting.

listening to: kate havnevik - "unlike me"

2007-04-15T03:13:00.001-07:00

sade. king of sorrow.

2007-04-13T01:56:00.000-07:00

so i fell asleep in the middle of the afternoon after physics (not during, for once haha) and slept til just now, which is almost 5AM! who does that?! seriously. and i'm really hungry :( i have some cereal and some things for sanguishes, but i don't know what i'ma do. poor erik. i'm doing some crazy shit recently, and he never wakes me up, which must mean he is tiptoe-ing around all the time, even though he is really quiet anyway. my mind is racing right now. it's really fucking wierd.

just thought i should document this craziness.

2007-04-10T20:56:00.000-07:00

this past weekend was quite nice. i left school on thursday evening (at a reasonable time, no less) so i could have a long weekend.

but then on friday i was so tired from staying up all night on wed for finance hw that i didn't do anything except sleep all damn day long! i was a little sad about that part, because i was planning to go to the art museum that day for my art history class, and also to check in at central about my accounting class for summer school. friday night i got my hair did and then i saw craig and jon and had some coffee with them, then had indian food with my parents.

on saturday i woke up late once again. who is surprised anymore? then i went to the art museum in the afternoon. it was really fantastic. my favorite exhibit was this one.

i still haven't decided which piece to do, because so many of them were really compelling and fascinating to me. things like this make me feel really sad that i do not do art anymore. i feel kind of empty and inauthentic with respect to my ideas right now, and it doesn't feel important to document them. but whatever, i have all these cool pieces to choose from, and i'm wicked excited to be doing some work at school that i care about. it's very refreshing after finance and business and the blah blah blah that i have to deal with otherwise that is so souless. later on i met craig and jon and jody and we went to mama fu's for dinner, where i was teased the whole time for being wimpy about spicy food. i thought it was hot :( then i broke down laughing on the way back while on the phone with la jessica. chupa is still not here. she is taking her time. (it could be a boy, but we refer to errybody as she, so you know..) after that i made it a relatively early night.

then - and you'll never believe this! - i went to church with my family for easter sunday. i knew it would be important to them. i usually duck out with some excuse or another, but i felt that i should be there with them. recently i've felt really at home with my family, and it's nice to be with them, whatever that means. it was surreal. a lot of what the preacher talked about really applied to me, especially when he was talking about feeling like your life has no purpose. but i don't buy any of that died for our sins stuff. i've fucked up relentlessly in my life, and the main thing is to forgive yourself and hope that otherrs will be able to also. it just seems so surfacey to just have to pray and ask that it be forgiven and poof it is. but that's just my feeling on the issue. there were good parts admittedly, and also points where i thought i would laugh and be shut out in a very unforgiving fashion. then we had luch at my grandparents'. it was really nice to see everyone. i fell asleep shortly after lunch though. then we went home and i finished packing and watched the jerk with my parents and had pizza. we watched part of napolean dynamite but my parents were obviously not feeling it as much as i was. then i went to jody's new place before he, angie, craig, daniel, and i went out to gaytini night. i had a great time with everyone, even if i didn't dance as much as last time.

then i woke up at 6 am to drive back to asheville. i don't know why but driving back in the morning is so depressing. i can't put my finger on why it's worse but it is. i always feel sad or depressed.

that brings me to this week, which has been really bad. on monday i didn't make it to art history in the morning, because i chose to have lunch with jen and kenny, which i don't regret at all, but then i went to my room and the rationalization of why not to go to marketing crept in alowly and i decided against going to it, largely because i didn't want to get our test back that i took last week when i was so sickly. but i decided i would go to my art history class's afternoon section. but guess what? i slept though alladat. yeah. then i picked up dinner and hung out with marshall for a hot sec. then chris and kenny and mark and i watched some QAF. i came down to my room afterwards and finished my finance hw and changed the songs on my mp3 palyers on here and myspace, then realized it was morning out, so i stayed up and watched boondocks on AllUC. i didn't feel well so i decided i would go to my afternoon section of finance after physics, but surprise surprise! i didn't make it to either! so i will get a zero on my finance hw that i actually did! and on my physics attendance quiz.

i'm feeling pretty much like a huge fuckup. but the truth is i feel so completely lost here, and i just find myself feeling really disheartened by it and my sleep is all kinds of fucked. everything is a mess. and i know it doesn't have to be, and also that i'm probably blowing it out of proportion, because i'm so critical, but goddamn. i just want the hell out of here. there's so much left to do before the end of the semester, too! it feels very daunting. my heart is most certainly not in it. i don't know if it's in anything, really, but it sure as hell ain't this.

tried to unwind tonight and have a nice dinner in my room. i watched some curb your enthusiasm (have i mentioned how much i love ALLUC?) and that made me laugh a lot, but now i can't decide if i should stay up and do some work or just go to bed. i know the sensible answer is to go to bed, so i might have some hope of getting on top of some shit, but i'm not sure i can just lie there right now, because my mind is racing and that will make me completely insane.

i really hope tomorrow is the turning point for the week. i've got to get things in order.

skye. what's wrong with me.

2007-04-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

inspired by marshall's. this is kinda cool.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

2007-04-05T12:21:00.000-07:00

so i got the results i had been waiting on for 3 weeks, and all is well. i'm very relieved. i'm going home this afternoon, which i'm really excited about, but i'm sorta tired and not feeling especially up to the drive at the moment, so it felt like the right thing to do to post some thoughts. i have a busy weekend ahead of me, but i feel pretty up to it actually. i don't actually have that much to say right now.

something that needs to be said, though, is that the person mentioned before that i was feeling some type of way about and i have since worked things out, and even though i don't delete things i've already written, i can confidently say that my bad feelings about that situation are gone.

i may take a very short nap. sorry this is so random but and hour and fifteen minutes of boring physics will do that to a person.

2007-04-03T04:20:00.000-07:00

so i'm awake and have been since 6, and have looked over my required courses for my major, and have not come up with very much. i got up early to make sure i would have time enough to figure out my classes, but my advisor will just have to work that out, because i have no idea. the list of things left simply in my major is retardedly long, and i'm very angry at the thought of being in school that much longer. i need to figure out taking accounting this summer at central. i have part of the money already, but still more to go.

i did end up sleeping after i finished my earlier entries and watched curb your enthusiasm around 8. i slept straight through to 6. i wish i could sleep all day. tuesdays and thursdays tend to be exercises in highlighting just how much i don't know, which can be very difficult for me. i am going to talk to my finance teacher today and find out his other section so i can start going. i really think it will help.

listening to: les nubians - "saravah" (very quietly on my headphones to not wake up my roomate, who does not have these crazy hours like i do)

2007-04-02T16:53:00.000-07:00

sidenote from a previous post:
i got my pink pirate shirt and i fucking love it! i most definitely have been wearing that bitch out like no other. pictures will be taken soon. just thought i should be clear on some shit.

2007-04-02T16:18:00.000-07:00

this past weekend was fun. i got to spend some time with jordanna and robert and chad, which was really needed. we went to smokey's on saturday night and had a few drinks and some good conversation, which is what i've been needing recently. then we went to denny's, which was a scene like no other! writing tidbits from it can in no way do justice to what we saw. but i'ma try. there was this sad hostess with a high waist and a misconstrued face, who admittedly was "not for sure;" there was a run out on a denny's bill that got everyone worked up and caught in the drama of it all; ms. pearson had me broke down about scoliosis; the list goes on and on and on.

i had a lovely impromptu breakfast and dinner that day with eva and alison and gina. my home away from home here in asheville. i've said it before but it's so refreshing to have friends that have nothing to do with school up here at all. because boy have i been needing to get away.

i'm not a person to try and stir shit up (as robin used to say back in the day to bother me), but this is supposed to be my outlet for some shit, and i'm feeling some type of way about some of my friends right now. i really need a chance to talk to them to let them know what's up. right now is a really hard time for everyone involved, but some shit has gone down that i would never do to friends that i am incapable of being cool with. i'm having a very hard time with something specific that i'm mentioned in here before and shared with my friend and she has been nowhere to be found and a complete flake recently and so not there for me. i feel really let down about it, and don't know where to put my feelings about it, so sometimes i'm hateful, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes betrayed, etc and it's just been a fucking rollercoaster and i am too through with riding that bitch, so something's gotta give.

i woke up this morning feeling incredibly ridiculously shitty and wasn't sure why until i went to check my blood sugar, and realized that it was close to 500, because my insulin pump had gotten pulled out of my skin in my sleep. so i spent the whole day feeling horribly and having two exams back to back. i am not sure that i did well on my marketing exam, and was feeling particularly hateful towards my professor the whole time. you know it's bad when you plan out things to say to someone if they call you out, and that's what i was doing before i got there. i am sure i aced my art history exam, though. i was mad prepared. that's gonna look great on my transcript, though, huh? marketing major with a fucking awesome art history score. but christ, who can even care about that thing anymore. that level of hopelessness cannot even be comprehended. also i missed my counseling appointment, too, which i feel really badly about, so i left her a note explaining the horrendous day. i just want to bury myself in blankets and sleep through the rest of this day and come out on the other side for a better day tomorrow.

gonna be hard, though (naturally), because i have an advising appointment at 9:10 and a class at 9:25, which i fucking told my advisor. there are way too many things wrong with this. number one, how the fuck is the rest of my life supposed to be worked out in 10-15 minutes?! wtf?! number two, why oh why must it be that soon? i have to figure out all these things to show him what i am gonna take so he can approve it. out of spite and complete disregard for his time, i feel as though i'm going to have to forego all that bullshit and get him to do it. i'm too through with everything. and this is blatently not adhering to my time.

then at 9:25 i have my finance class, which i am so lost in. i am going to start going to my section and his other section because i can't get everything down that i need to understand the material and even though he's a really great teacher, his explanations do not help me. i need step by step shit in that class. then i have physics soon after. once again, blech! why on earth am i in yet another physics class? there is no reason this should be.

i can't wait to be home! i'm considering skipping marketing on friday and leaving after class on thursday. i can't get out of here soon enough. i miss everyone at home so much and i'm hating this place more and more each day, and i just need the break.

i think it's time to wrap up and sleep for a while until i feel motivated to face more of this lovely day.

2007-03-26T22:10:00.000-07:00

i'm having a really hard time keeping it together recently. it's almost like i need constant distraction, or else i get depressed.

i really don't feel connected to this school right now, and everyday it's like i wake up and think, "seriously?..." i also do not have any money, which is stressing me out to no end. i feel bad to keep asking my parents for help, even though i clearly have no other option at the moment. the consequence there is that i'm stuck at school basically, and i'm so fucking sick of this place.

and i have just over two weeks left to find out my results, and that is on my mind at all times.

i just want to run away. i have no money and not much gas to do so, but the thought is so appealing right now. i'd come back, but jesus fuck, i need a new outlook.

i don't have classes tomorrow which is good, but i will have to fill my day with whatever i can so i don't sit around and think.

a friend of mine just called to tell me she's engaged yesterday, and i'm so happy for her, but afterwards it made me feel very sad and alone. but boys are clearly not what i need in my life in any real way. so who the fuck knows.

i just want to go to sleep right now, but my mind is reeling. today was not bad until i got back from dinner with eva and alison and gina. and i don't feel good about going into why on here, but just know that's when the mood of the day changed drastically.

oh and i hate ebay. where is my fucking pink pirate t shirt?! i ordered it on my birthday! kill my soul.

listening to: kruder & dorfmeister - "sin/where shall i turn"

2007-03-26T05:05:00.000-07:00

this past weekend was so much fun! on friday, eva and alison took me out to dinner at mela for delicious indian food with our friends meredith and alana. after dinner we stopped by the drum circle downtown after walking down church street, and watched the hippies and (no judgment) crazies dancing. it was really cool. there were some kids there too, which was so cute. then we went to the hookah bar and smoked 2 hookahs and just chilled. when i got back i talked toali some at the luxurious vll. then i met up with my friends and we all hung out in marshall's room and watched margaret cho til we were delirious, especially my puss:

(my puss go straight for the jugular, your puss get uglier and uglier)

saturday. woke up around 10 and went to barnes and noble to use the rest of my credit that my aunt ellen gave to me. i bought the new tracey thorn cd:

which i love. it's really varied and her voice is always great. then i came back to school and went with jordanna to jen's reading at a queer chick reading. all of the pieces were really good. i'm really surprised by people's creativity and inspired. i used to write all the time, and it makes me want to start up again. but who knows.
then we ate at highsmith, which admittedly was only good because i was with my friends. then i went to eva and alison's for yummy kabobs with their neighbors, who were really cool. i'm really enjoying meeting all these new people. came back to school for the progressive prom, and dressed up some which was fun, but not the
best choice cause a bitch was hot as hell in that dance. there were some wonderful memorable aspects, and some woeful ones. but it was fun to see people that i don't usually see around school on the day to day. the music was horrific, but it was fun
to dance a little. after that,believe it or not, we went to jen and jordanna's
room and watched one of my home videos from 1991, so everyone could see how big my hair used to be. it made me miss home again, and so afterwards i went to bed.

sunday. woke up to a call from ms. pearson. we went to starbucks spent a lovely morning talking and enjoying the beautiful weather,which inspired us to take drastic action to get off campus and really enjoy the scenery inasheville. we collected marshall and jordanna and went to the blue ridge parkway. why have i been here for over a year and not yet been there? there's no excuse. it is a beautiful drive fraught with surprise tunnels, and views of the mountains. it was very serene, and
allowed me to reflect some and just enjoy asheville, which i have not been lately. we stopped at a creek/river/who knows, and marshall and jordanna waded in the water and claimed this tiny little island near an overpass, where chad and i enjoyably yet cautiously watched them. chad took some amusing videos. when i got back i went to have dinner witheva and alison again. they are taking me in it feels like to feed me. hahaha which is wonderful. we had a great time and a couple bottles of wine between us, and i came back and got in touch with young christopher and kenny and jordanna and we went to watch drop dead gorgeous. i did not make it very far, because of having partaken of so much wine, so i slumped into bed and let the weekend hold me til i had to wake up for school, and remember where i am.

today shouldn't be bad, though. art history and marketing. i can start making
my note cards for the next art history exam, and maybe (and admittedly ambitiously) make some way on my ad project.i'm feeling relatively optimistic and that's a welcome change. i've decided i will get out of my surroundings more often to keep the
experience of being here fresh, and to give me more stories to share. enjoy your monday, friends! i'ma do the same.

listening to: aya - "sean (eric's 2fwu mix)"

2007-03-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

this week has been an array of mixed emotions. i withdrew from my IT
class, which i feel like was a really good step, and psychologically
will free me up in a lot of ways. plus i have the syllabus so i can get
ahead for taking it later.

the blue six cd came in and it is really amazing. had a lovely afternoon with chad
yesterday. then a fun night with everyone watching top design and queer
as folk.

today however is kind of a mess. i had my finance class this morning, and i'm
feeling sort of lost right now. and i was supposed to go to this talk
that my professor was hosting with a guest speaker, which would have
given me extra credit on my next exam, but i decided to sit it out and
study for my physics exam, which is in 15 minutes. also i was planning
on having lunch with everyone, which recently is pretty much the only
definite time to see anyone. but that fell through for whatever
reasons, and i can't really get anyone on the phone, which is basically
bullshit. so i'm a little annoyed at this point.

i have a counseling appointment after physics, and i really don't want to go. i
mean, i will, and i like my counselor a lot, but i need something more
often to make any difference, and this just isn't going to cut it.i'm
dealing with my shit all the time by my damn self anyway, so i might as
well keep on. no one's really much help anyway, even if they are really
trying.

it's very frustrating, though, to be continually jerked around between
feeling good about some shit and then feeling like things are not ever
working out. i just wish i could get some sort of grasp on things. and
i really wish i could be somewhere else. more and more i'm more frustrated with this place and pretty much everything that comes with it. there are some exceptions, but not many.

now i have ot go take my physics exam, which i am not optimistic about. i'm really in no position to be taking an exam at the moment. but no one asked me.

typical.

listening to: n'dambi - "can't change me"

2007-03-19T00:59:00.001-07:00

"closer...
Goapele

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...sometimes you just have to let it go. leaving all my fears to burn down. push them all away so i can move on."

2007-03-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

so this past week was really rough on me. who's surprised, really?

i did go take care of something that had been worrying me a lot for months. now i just wait. you can probably guess what it is i'm talking about, and if you can't, maybe that's ok too. i don't feel comfortable going into detail about those types of things on here.

i took my second finance exam, and despite being very worryied about it, i feel like i did fairly well. we'll see. i ran into my econ history professor that day, also, who i adore. she's the funniest and most sarcastic person, but also really understanding and kind. she asked me how school was going and how my health was, and i gave her a brief rundown. i feel badly for not keeping up with the professors i really like. i didn't do that well in her class, though, so i think embarassment or guilt is a part of that particular situation. maybe i can work on some sort of visit situation somehow.

in other news of school, i'm fairly certain i'm going to withdraw from my IT class. i've fallen woefully behind in that class, and i emailed dr. maaaannns on wednesday to ask her some important questions about two big assignments due tomorrow, and she has not gotten back to me, so i'm basically ass up. if you're a professor you should check your emails more often than that. christ. i'm going to go ahead and interview my friend for the interview project we had to do, because i will probably take her class again in the fall. see eventhough i really don't like her, at least i'll know what to expect. that's my feeling on that at least.

i'm home right now. i drove home to get my taxes done with my parents. sounds fun, right? haha. well the accountant did all the work, so it was fine by me. and afterwards my parents and i went to the movies. we saw amazing grace, which i thought was really great and inspiring. it made me want to do something revolutionary. then we had japanese for dinner. when we got home my mom and i watched the rescuers down under, and my brother came home in the middle. after that i finished my physics homework.

i've been really tired recently. i think i'm worried about a lot of things and don't feel up to deal with them, so i sleep a lot. it fluctuates, though. i feel really good sometimes, but then really hopeless others. i don't feel very connected with my life at the moment. at least parts of it. i don't feel connected with asheville. i wake up and i'm like, oh yeah... this. hmmm. i find it hard to connect the dots that have led me to the places and contexts i find myself.

waiting for my laundry to finish. i will head back to school shortly-ish. i don't really look forward to driving that much today. sometimes it's great, but yeah not today. i don't want to leave home. i feel much more connected with this part of my life right now. but oh well.

listening to: the peter malick group feat. norah jones - "strange transmissions (dj strobe bossa nova remix)"

2007-03-14T01:42:00.000-07:00

ambassador of soul

2007-03-13T13:48:00.000-07:00

so i finished the homework earlier than i'd thought i would for my
finance class, and thought i should not go to sleep because i would
miss the class. i stayed up and got somethings done until 20 minutes to
leave when i put my head down and then did not wake up until class was
basically over.

my teacher doesn't accept late homeworks, so i emailed him, but have no idea what he'll say. i worked so hard on that stupid assignment. and i'm bitter and hateful about the whole thing truthfully. i'm
just so tired and i got no sleep the night before or last night for
working on that stupid thing. and it is really funny how i would come
so close and then miss class. this tends to be the kind of thing that
happens to me, it feels like. and i would strongly characterize that as
fucked up.

i'm tired and miserable today and have no clue what
will happen with this class. if something could just work out for me
here that would be really amazing. but i do not have a good feeling
about it.

beyond these things i have something set up for tomorrow that deals with the larger issues i've been worried about all semester, and i'm
sick just dreading it. i really need a way to get out of my head,
because the worries and the thoughts will not stop and it's making it
very nearly impossible for me to be happy.

i just wish things would stop unravelling on me. i don't feel like i deserve to be this much of a mess. and so now i'm sitting here waiting for an email response and we all know how crazy that can feel. this is torturous. and i just want to sleep and forget about everything, but i'd only wake up to things being worse.

i hate to be so negative all the time, but i really fucking hate school. i'm so completely and utterly through with all of it. and i'm 25. enough is enough. i would scream but i'm
in a dorm room. i need a change of scenery. anything to take my mind
off school and how crazy things are at the moment, and maybe even make
me feel like i can deal with it in some meaningful way, because i am at
a loss.

2007-03-13T00:03:00.000-07:00

i fucking hate managerial finance. i will be up all night doing this shit. and i'm not even completely sure i'm
doing it correctly. that's just the icing on the cake. it's just not
right that these kinds of problems even exist in the world. or if they
must, it just is not by any means acceptable that i am to do them.

i've surely said it before, but it could always bear repeating... kill my soul.

2007-03-12T00:24:00.000-07:00

guess what?

2007-03-09T21:37:00.000-08:00

this break has been fun. i haven't written during it, so i'm gonna do a summary sorta of what's gone down.

monday i was getting better and mom was too. we watched romantic comedies together in the afternoon over late take out lunches. we saw laws of attraction and two weeks' notice. then we had dinner with my dad and brother when they got home later.

on tuesday i saw la jessica for a nice long lunch at fosters and to give her her baby gifts. i got chupa the inflatable duck tub (why don't adults have these things?), some onesies, and a pacifier with a cute green elephant on it. then saw craig for a trip to nv and target to pick up things before his trip to italy.

on wednesday i slept pretty much all day, and had dinner with my fambly, and then saw brian. we stayed up all night talking, which was cool. i miss seeing him more often. it always reminds me of our past, which is good and bad.

thursday i drove to winston salem to see jody, who showed me the many wonders of that place. i met some of his friends there too and we had dinner and coffee. then i spent some time with my family when i got back, and actually watched some basketball.

today i had lunch with my dad, then went shopping for my birthday presents with my mom. then we had my birthday dinner with my family. then i watched the jungle book with my mom, because my little cousin returned my disney movies that i lent her years ago, because she doesn't watch vhs anymore and she has tons of movies.

everyone is asleep now, except me. and i'm feeling really emotional. i keep tearing up. i'm really sad that my break is almost over. i need more time to spend with everyone. i know i'm gonna be 25 on monday but i don't wanna leave my old room or my family. i will probably have to come right back home very soon.

i'm still pretty worried about a lot of things. i need to talk it out. i feel like i have this dual reality happening right now, and it's really hard to reconcile. i hope things turn out ok. i just want to drown out all those worries somehow. they pop up at really bad times. right now i'm having some wine. i know that's bad to drink by yourself, but fuck it. it's my birthday. "i do what i want!" lol. and i'm listening to whatever pops up on my itunes. right now it's tamia "stranger in my house" hahaha i'm just gonna be honest on that one. just incase you need to relive it too...

and now to lighten my mood (hopefully)... i'm gonna make a tentative list of things i'm buying myself for my birthday. the items in the running are as follows:

-the new blue six cd, aquarian angel.
-an esthero pink pirate tshirt.
-queer as folk final season dvds.
-some new jeans. but i'm not sure which kind or where from..
-she-ra dvd set. i might not be able to resist...

this is a preliminary list. oh and things i got today are:

-barnes and noble gift card
-a book from my grandma
-sunglasses from nordstrom
-grey pinstripe blazer from urban outfitters
-green checkered shirt from banana
-some cash money

listening to: esthero - "my torture"

"...we march into love. it's who we are..."

2007-03-06T03:50:00.000-08:00

2007-03-04T22:15:00.000-08:00

i'm so happy to be at home. it's been so nice to see my family and spend time with them. my first day back we all went to lunch together and then i went shopping for my second cousin's 3rd birthday presents with my mom, which was fun. we read children's books and made fun of some of the crazy toys. then we went shopping for jessica's baby shower together. i've just really enjoyed everything so far.

being back home though has given me some time to think and i have had some problematic conclusions. i really wish i had made it to my counseling appointment on friday because i've had a very hard time with some things. i have not seen my friends yet, largely because of some insecurities that i don't really feel brave enough to admit to them. but i'll mention them here for the world to know. stupid, i realize. anyway on saturday i was supposed to go out with a few friends, and everyone was coupled off except for me. normally i do not have a hard time with these types of situations, but this weekend it felt like a really big deal. also i have become increasingly unhappy with my appearance. so i was too self-conscious to go out to a gay bar of all places. plus also the reality is that i have not been feeling all that well, and that probably wouldn't have been smart.

but today i stayed in bed all day. that's a pretty sad way to be starting off spring break. so it made me think a lot about things, and realize that i need to take action in changing or i will get worse.

now i'm working on physics. we have all these questions we can answer in our online text for extra credit and i am determined to do every single one. well that and i may really need those points. eek. i may make a later entry tonight as well. but there you have it.

listening to: dzihan & kamien - "deep kitsch"

2007-03-01T11:28:00.000-08:00

truthfully, i was pretty sure about these results, but i'm posting it so others can take the test themselves. well that and i really don't want to do any work right now. :(

free enneagram test

2007-02-27T23:30:00.000-08:00

this week... i'm tellin you. so now i'm pretty sure i have a sinus infection. i'm going to the health services tomorrow if i can. maybe i'll go in between marketing and dr. maaaans' class just so i can be late and piss her off. slightly vindictive, i realize, but i am feeling really hateful right now. i keep getting these chills that won't go away and have just finished my 4th shower of the day. i'm also really dehydrated - fevers and diabetes are not to be mixed. i'm achy and my stomach feels really crampy and not good.

all that being said, i have a lot of work to get through for this week. and boy am i excited about that! GET ME THE HELL OUTTA ASHEVILLE!!! please.... i'm sooo sick of this place right now. not my friends or anything, but just this dorm, these classes. same shit everyday. i just want to be home in my big bed and see my family and my friends at home. and just relax.

i do get to talk to my counselor here on friday and i'm glad that's coming up. because all this shit is cyclical and i'm feeling it come back around and i'm really scared about a lot of things and they come in and out of my mind and keep me constantly on the verge of tears. i started crying on the phone with my dad tonight out of frustration. i'm just so tired of this existence. i feel like my life has escaped me somehow and i'm stuck in the mundane bullshit grind of the day to day.

now i have to do a topic of the week (kill. my. soul.) for dr. maaannns' class which i love so dearly. who knew that i'd be the lucky one to learn all about databases and software in such an amazing class!? what a joke.

i'm not amused.

listening to: "bring me some water" - melissa etheridge & joan osborne
(marshall and jen, you'd be proud right now ;)

2007-02-26T14:42:00.000-08:00

these days of feeling defeated and frustrated are coming way too close together recently.

i was able to take the art history exam in the other section and the teacher was very nice about the whole thing, which was a huge relief. actual test content-wise i have mixed feelings about the test. but we'll see. it's just a lot of things to remember for an art history exam, and my memory is very bad.

before that, however, i had my marketing class, which is usually my favorite one, but today that was not the case. we got our tests back from friday, and i made either a B- or a C+ (depending on the curve that is to be determined), and i'm frustrated about that, because i felt like i did really well on it. and i want to do really well in the class. when i walked in he asked to speak with me after class and i was like, "fuck, what else have i done wrong today?" when we went over the test he handed back our essays and said that he extremely rarely gives full credit, and took a really self-righteous stance on the whole thing which was severely obnoxious to me. i asked him if he could write on our essays what it was that kept us from getting the full credit, but he said that was asking a lot of him since he has 90 papers to read. i made a face like "so the fuck what" and he laughed nervously and said he just wasn't prepared to do that. after class he said he needed to talk to me because i was always late to class. first of all, and this may be picky, but i am not always late. and when i am it's a matter of a few minutes at the most. i just told him i was having a really bad day and if the conversation could wait that would be better. he said it was, so we'll see. i was ready for a fight though.

after my art history test that went slightly into dr. maaannnns class, i realized that i had forgotten to write down a small assignment she gave on wed, and that i was the only one. she also had to comment on how i am always late. and i got her test back and i didn't do as well as i'd hoped there either. there's something just very defensive about her that really makes it difficult for me to like her at all.

it's just really been very difficult to hold everything together to any degree recently, and it just feels like everyone should just make a list of things i'm doing that they don't like to give for me to review so i can be a completely different person than i am at the moment. whatever i can do to help... you know?

i would just really like for some of thesee people to give me a fucking break. ahem.

listening to: "melancholy melody" - esthero

2007-02-26T09:04:00.000-08:00

this is not a good way to start the week.

i set my alarm for 10:00 PM instead of 10:00 AM this morning and woke up during my first art history exam. i emailed my professor to see if i can take it during her later section today, but i'm not sure how that works. and to be honest i did not study enough for it, so it may be a sad reflection of me even if she allows me to take it.

i'm very disappointed in myself. i pretty much have done this every semester i've been in college. well i'm not sure about that, but the point is, this is not a sad first. it's a very very saddest repeat occurrance.

keep your fingers, legs and eyes crossed for me as much as you can. thanks.

2007-02-24T16:46:00.000-08:00

it's been a very fun weekend so far, which i am so happy about because this past week was hella rough. tuesday was my physics exam, wednesday was dr. maaannns' exam, thursday was econ hw day, and friday was my marketing exam.

this weekend i've gotten to spend time with my friends, whom i love very much. we went to a house party last night which was really fun. i haven't been to many parties with them, and it was definitely a good thing.

today i got to have lunch with marshall's family and friends, who are all so nice. and it was a beautiful day today! next i finally saw the vagina monologues, which i have been meaning to do ever since i saw the hbo one with maren during our menopause with ice creams and champagne. it was very good. then marshall took us to pet supermarket to visit her future fire-bellied toad pet, enkidu. that was very fun to see all the animals, even if i would be uneasy around pretty much all of them. i really do miss my cat, though, and it made me think of him. after that we had dinner in the caf.

so i'm in my room and waiting to do something later on tonight. i think i'm going to make my art history flash cards for our exam while i wait and listen to music and maybe make some coffee.

i'm very content, which is such a welcome feeling.

listening to: jill scott - "golden (grant nelson mix)"

2007-02-22T07:49:00.000-08:00

so i was 35 minutes late to my econ class. ouch. and why on earth am i in a class where we are taking natural logrithms to find answers only to hear that "it gets much more complicated..?" i definitely cried a little bit in class when he said that.

actual tears.

now i'm going back to bed until lunchtime. maybe i'll wake up smarter...

2007-02-22T02:19:00.000-08:00

i just finished my 6 problem-managerial finance homework. i started at 1 am and it is now almost 5:30. i really must learn not to wait til the last minute. it's difficult to break an almost 25-year habit, though.

that being said, i do not want to hear anymore about external funds needed until 9:25 when i have that 75-minute class. things could get very ugly.

bed til then.

2007-02-20T20:01:00.000-08:00

frustration.

2007-02-20T13:50:00.000-08:00

what a shitty day.

1) i woke up feeling ridiculously tired, and felt that econ 306 would be especially torturous so i slept in.
2) i had lunch with jen and marshall, which was nice.
3) physics test which i'm sure i did not do well on.
4) calling medtronic about insurance charges and returning products that were sent to me that i do not use, which cost me - broke bitch - $30 to mail with certification and insurance.
5) called barnes and noble asheville about the transfer and once again those bitches said they had not received the faxes that my manager from durham told me she sent. the result of this process taking so long is that now i can not transfer even if they were onpoint because it's been too long, so i would now have to re-apply and be re-hired.
6) went to the grocery store to get plastic spoons and coffee creamer and locked my keys in my car where i had been sitting dealing with #5 above.
7) waiting in the cold for 20 mins for the locksmith to come; 10 additional mins for him to get in my car; embarassing loud as hell car alarm that i do not know how to turn off, so it took me several tries. now i'm down an additional $40.
8) back in my room to study for dr. maaannns test tomorrow that i do not have a good feeling about.
9) have to refill a perscription that will cost me $50.

i feel defeated and hateful.

2007-02-14T06:56:00.000-08:00

so you'll never guess who's running behind this morning...

today's proceedings:
1) finish my art history assignment

2) art history class
3) lunch
4) marketing class
5) short break to skim through articles for IT class
6) IT class with dr. maaaannns
7) dinner
8) who knows... anything could happen on the vd hump day.

so i'm watchin my back. my momma din't raise no fool.

2007-02-13T15:11:00.000-08:00

seeing josh cheered me up today a lot. it has been way too long. and this was the perfect day for that to happen because i was having a hard time today. so i don't feel like i need to hide anymore... drama diffused... now we just have to bring extend-retract back and we'll be ready for anything!

listening to: madonna - live to tell (live) ---> the confessions tour musta been the shit because the videos i've seen are amazing.

2007-02-13T09:17:00.000-08:00

i just want to hide today.

listening to: esthero - that girl
"...one of these things just doesn't belong here..."

2007-02-07T06:29:00.000-08:00

it continues...

today's proceedings will commence in the following fashion:
1) get some reading/work done before class
2) art history in that room that gives me panic attacks. i will hurt someone if i don't get the seat close to the door. be warned.
3) lunch with my friends
4) marketing class
5) short break to finish paper for mgmt 386
6) dr. maaaanns very professional class.
7) getting some mo shit done

listening to: basement jaxx - "hush boy"

2007-02-06T13:18:00.000-08:00

sadly not even nearly as onpoint as i shoulda been (at least not so far). but that's all about to change.

cpp1.1:
1) make a bazillion phone calls that i have piled up:
-b&n avl/dur to get my transfer on
-financial aid to get my pin, because you know i can't remember that bullshit from semester to semester!
-counseling center (see earlier entries.. *scared face*)
-minimed (i definitely am returning a week and 1/2 old phone call - oops)
-nccu/ncsu about summer courses
2) readings to catch upon from my classes will be completed by monday
3) topic 1 assignment for MAAAANNS class & 2nd hw for managerial finance class (i know, i'm making the same face. trust)

*i have made all the phone calls/left the appropriate messages/emails and am caught up to that point. readings and assignments will take place in a hot sec and after dinner.

...off to a rocky start but recovering nicely. onpointness is surely ahead.

listening to: bryan gerard feat. alexia - higher ground (b's original afro mix)

2007-02-06T11:02:00.000-08:00

i choose to blame ali for me having to take the time to find this out, but here you have it.

Your results:
You are Catwoman

Catwoman		65%
Green Lantern		65%
Spider-Man		60%
Hulk		60%
Iron Man		55%
The Flash		50%
Wonder Woman		48%
Batman		40%
Robin		33%
Superman		30%
Supergirl		28%

You have had a tough childhood,
you know how to be a thief and exploit others
but you stand up for society's cast-offs.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

just glad i wasn't superman or something really fucking boring like that.

oh and in another post we'll talk about how i'm already on cpp1.1 because i'm just nowhere near that onpoint. but i don't feel like doing that right now because on a related note, i'm lazy. shock-ER.

2007-02-05T07:52:00.000-08:00

robin used to call it the cpp. capable person plan. not sure if i'm in that strata yet, but let's go with it and see how well i do.

day one: monday. brisk weather. windy. cold. uninviting. but i'ma wrap up like a refugee and kick this monday's ass and take names. it will go down as follows:

1) art history. god i hope this woman will be more exciting today!
2) then lunch.
3) marketing class to discuss superbowl ads the whole time probably.
4) short break.
5) inforamtion technologies class qith dr. manns.
6) then working on things to not be so far behind.

gotta love mondays. plus it's cold and i want to sleep. but i'm gonna try to be productive today. details of how well that goes will follow.

any questions? thought so. haha

listening to: talib kweli & hi-tek feat. les nubians - "love language"

2007-02-04T02:27:00.000-08:00

"the saturday of lots to do" has ended in the following fashion: i slept almost all day, then had dinner with my friends, and at this point things were pretty sad really as far as saturdays go.

but i had a lovely outing with marshall - whom i love dearly - after that and got some things together for myself, i think. i have a lot of things to do. i'm behind already with my work, and i have to watch the fucking super bowl for my marketing class - blech! - but i think things are feeling a bit more manageable. maybe it's all late night post-drinking delerium, but somehow i don't think so.

just felt i should post things from an optimistic slant once in awhile to keep everyone guessing. but i hope it turns out to be true.

listening to: everything but the girl - "before today"
"my heart is that much harder now.
that’s what i thought before today.
my heart is that much harder now.
and i thought that it would stay that way,
before today"

2007-01-31T02:23:00.000-08:00

tonight was by far the worst night yet. i'm feeling more and more lost and i need to do something to get out of this. icried for hours straight til my desk was soaked and i was physically exhausted from it. i'm going to try and sleep and wake up refreshed in some way. i just don't don't know where to start and i feel very alone in it, because i have kept so many secrets for so long. yet even opening up to someone doesn't save you from your own demons, and that i have to definitely learn the hard way. therre is a constant state of panic right now and i just need to find a way to work through it and keep things going as they should until things get better.

listening to: sade - "i never thought i'd see the day"

2007-01-29T00:19:00.000-08:00

*SNOW!!*

let's hope there is some kind of change in the schedule because of it, because you know my ass is not trudging through that bullshit to go to class.

2007-01-28T03:59:00.000-08:00

today was not much better. there is a lot of unresolved business that is weighing on my mind. it's just made me really tired and kind of dead to the world. i haven't gotten any work done or spent any time with my friends hardly. something's really gotta give. i know what that something is, but it's difficult to let go sometimes. but i'm going to do it in the best way i can. right now i'm gonna go back to sleep.

listening to: rae & christian feat. lisa shaw - "should have known"
"it's a pleasure to know you.
it's so sweet that you know too.
darling we've become so precious.
i might've told you all my secrets, but you'll never know the deepest
as warm as we can be there's no peace of mind."

2007-01-26T23:53:00.000-08:00

i am really worried about a lot of things. this really isn't a private enough place to talk about them. but whoever is reading this it's likely that you would care, and i appreciate that.

tonight i had to make a very uncomfortable decision, which hurt someone. and i was fair and tried as hard as i could not to hurt that person to as much extent as i could seeing that i couldn't give in the way they needed. in doing so i believe i may've created an barrier that we can't cross.

in many ways it feels like a personal defeat to me. i wanted to believe in the chance of something more, but part of me doesn't really believe i can do it, and the other part is mad when someone is perceptive enough to mention it. but i really was trying the very most i could, and on that point i am unwaivering.

why am i writing this in a journal instead of talking to this person? because i have nothing more to say. it's all the same things with many different faces. it's sad when you realize things like this about yourself.

listening to: amel larrieux - "weary"
Weary

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2007-01-07T05:46:00.000-08:00

cryptic post number 2 with a stolen quote (thanks jody)

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you from the inside out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
- Neil Gaiman

...explanations will follow once i've some time to put things together

2007-01-01T06:32:00.000-08:00

that was not a good way to start the new year. i will reflect on it more once i return to the land of the living. right now i am drunken death warmed over, and not even my bed is a good place to be right now. just have to keep drinking that watra. "health health health, darling!"

some serious relfection of the new years' after a message from your sponsor, asleep.

2006-11-03T07:17:00.000-08:00

the past couple weeks have been really ridiculously bad. i'm not exactly sure why but i have been really miserable and a monumental fuckup on pretty much all fronts. that's not to say that there haven't been good points, but there could really be some mo. so i didn't sleep very well last night and i'm awake and have no interest in really doing anything important at all, so i'm attempting to post in my forever neglected blog.

i'm heading to d-town for the weekend, which i'm hoping will help brighten my spirits. i think i just need the change of scenery and to see my family and friends back home for a bit. sometimes going home is worse because it's really hectic and crazed beyond belief trying to see everyone. but i'm optimistic, mostly.

i of course have done no packing of things. no one is surprised. and this trip back will be a lot of stuff because i need to take some of the summer clothes back home and bring some cold weather shit cause it's not a joke at this point and my little hoodie and jean jacket are not cutting it. so i may end up leaving like at 8 or something horrfying like i tend to do. i'm really hoping i can motivate and get it all together so i'm not getting home at midnight.

do i really have 3 classes today? that is not a good look. i can't promise that i'll stay awake in any of them. that's all i'm sayin.

listening to: rahsaan patterson - "you make life so good"

2006-10-22T01:22:00.000-07:00

ok so has anyone else noticed how fucking hot john legend is in this video?! it's killin me. this song has been the soundtrack of my past week. it just gets stuck in your mind and you end up humming it all day. love it.

what'd i tell you?

2006-10-02T08:38:00.000-07:00

so yeah the goal of this was to start again with this blog business and keep track of my thoughts and whatever the fuck else, and it's been nearly a month since my last post. believe me when i say that there have been a lot of thoughts and a lot of goings on, and they mysteriously are not found here.

my mind has been sort of all over the place, actually. and by that i typically mean not here at school. shocker. things are actually going mostly well. but i am feeling very anxious about a lot of things, and honestly that is sort of hard to shake. i think this week will be a good turning point, though. i have my accounting final from last semester, and no matter what comes of that, at the very least it will be nice to have that business behind me. i have been working on it, so i wouldn't think i would do badly, but i need to do well enough to make up for some of the other tests from that class that were let's just say less than they needed to be. besides that, fall break is this weekend, and i will be so happy to be able to go home and be able to actually spend time with my family and friends there. i've missed them all so much.

not that that lessens the friends i have here, because without them, i would be so lost most of the time. but i'm sure all of them are dealing with the same or at least similar circumstances and need a moment away from it all.

those are the primary things on my mind. my car is having tire difficulties which i really just can't think about because i'll go into hysterics. i know that would not be the end of the world, but if something is wrong and it doesn't get my ass to d-town this weekend because of it - god forbid - then it will not be a pretty picture. a woman destroyed. lol. and my phone has finally crossed over and i will have to get this new one activated finally, which isn't so much of a problem...it's a challenge. and i will get to that. eventually.

until then, i'm shut off to the world besides instant messaging, emails, and really everything else besides the phone, actually. and that's pretty much it for now. contemplating a drastic haircut this weekend. we will see if i have the balls to go through with that. it's likely i will not. but i'm not ruling it out.

listening to: darren hayes - "random blinking light"

2006-09-02T19:20:00.000-07:00

the newest esthero song. gotta show some love.

patiently.

2006-09-02T19:18:00.000-07:00

in marion, va with marshall. "va is for lovas." that's right, bitches

2006-08-30T18:51:00.000-07:00

check this out

"$5000!!!!"

2006-08-29T11:56:00.000-07:00

the business of the day.

1) not to fall asleep in class. 2) read some shit. 3) buy some shit.

i can check (minus) the first one off.
and the others still remain open so far.

who's tired today? anyone? oh yeah that's right, it's me.

besides that, though, errything's good.

listening to: andy caldwell & jay-j - give a little
"...baby you're taking too much"

2006-08-26T07:38:00.000-07:00

marshall and i are in d-town. holla.

2006-08-24T10:01:00.000-07:00

i can't get enough of this song recently, and i was on you tube and randomly found a video, so i had to put it up and rep for gina rene

i'm so glad i only have one class today.

more to come later. just was excited about this video. :)

2006-08-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

ok so school has begun and i have to say that it feels extremely odd to be here. exactly why it feels so strange i'm not sure. that said, it is definitely wonderful to see everyone.

i'm not sure if anyone is reading the new blog, but it has been nice to at least feel like i have a place to put some of my thoughts. for a long time i have been feeling like i really didn't have anywhere or anyone to share things with. which was sort of really empty.

i have a bit of homework to do tonight. nothing extreme by any means, so i will start on that in a minute. i just have a lot on my mind. i talked to my mom today and she didn't sound like herself and i asked her if something wass wrong and she said yes but didn't tell me what was going on. i'm just a little worried mainly because it's so hard to understand what a person is going through over the phone.

i'm missing my friends at home already. i feel sorta alone sometimes here, even though i have friends up here as well. and it's hard to get lost in work or anything so early in the game.

i didn't realize this was going to be such a heavy entry, but i guess i needed to express these feelings somehow. i'll post a lighter one tomorrow, i promise.

listening to: the peter malick group feat. norah jones - strange transmissions (dj strobe "sand under my havianas" bossa nova remix)

2006-08-21T05:09:00.000-07:00

day one. it's all a bit surreal at this point. will definitely post more about the craziness that will inevitably ensue. for now i'm heading out to class with california love in my head... lol.

"shake it cali"

2006-08-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

it has to be noted for future reference that at this point, this day in my life, my running-lateness has reached a crest if you will. one that is absolutely utterly ridiculous. i need serious intervention on some shit.

this means i will most likely be getting to school to move in - the day before classes no less - in the evening. complete mess. school simply should not start tomorrow because some of us are turning inside out trying to get everything together, and once again, not to sound like a broken record, but...

it's not a good look.

listening to: "summer rain (can7 splash mix)" - etro anime
"but i think too much and i'm left to blame feeling strangely the same"

2006-08-20T03:18:00.000-07:00

"me, myself, & i"

while my laundry is washing...

i-tunes survey... hit forward to answer each question, and no cheating!

1. how am i feeling today?: "no ordinary love" - sweet coffee
2. will i get far in life?: "go back home" - the strike boys (...oh dear)
3. how do my friends see me?: "with you" - monica (...soooo old skool lol)
4. where will i get married?: "all in my head" - kosheen (...ouch! i don't wanna get married anyway!)
5. what is my best friend's theme song?: "music" - leela james
6. what is the story of my life?: "afro puffs" - the lady of rage (hahaha "rock on wit cha bad self!")
7. what was highschool like?: "underworld thang" - dj mei-lwun ("you have your pimps, your palyas, your macks..")
8. how can i get ahead in life?: "yes yes ya'll" - sergio mendes ("freak freak ya'll! don't stop, don't quit")
9. what is the best thing about me?: "oh sailor" - fiona apple
10. how is today going to go?: "deep dark jungle" - victor calderone vs. mauro (..ooh, that can't be a good sign)
11. what is in store for me this weekend? "love yourself" - blue six (..see? you can't make this stuff up! i'm not saying it wasn't true lol)
12. what song describes my parents?: "give a little" - andy caldwell & jay-j
13. to describe my grandparents?: "empty streets" - late night alumni
14. how is my life going?: "we be clubbin" - ice cube (lol)
15. what song will they play at my funeral?: "lone cat (holding on)" - ben watt
16. how does the world see me?: "be without you" - mary j blige (...that's a good one, actually)
17. will i have a happy life? "goodnight and go" - imogen heap (hmm)
18. what do my friends really think of me?: "joy" - temposhark (aww :)
19. do people secretly lust after me?: "backwoods discoteque, part 2" - scissor sisters (...what does this say about me? i'm a little worried frankly)
20. how can i make myself happy?: "pico de gallo" - uneaq (...mexican food, what?)
21. what should i do with my life?: "from the lab" - colossus (.. i don't get it)
22. will i ever have children? "this love (kanye west remix)" - maroon 5
23. what is some good advice for me? "falling (joe carrano mix)" - abigail
24. what's that smell? "oh so beautiful" - curtis mayfield
25. what is my signature dancing song?: "goodbye" - hil st. soul (..that's really sad)
26. what do i think my current theme song is?: "purest one" - etro anime (...that's not hopeful)
27. what does everyone else think my current theme song is? "hung up (tracy young mix)" - madonna (hahaha)
28. what type of men/women do you like?: "i want you back (z-trip remix)" - jackson 5 (not mj!)
29. now click next and that will be the subject of this bulletin: "me myself & i" - beyonce
30. your overall theme song? "rapido" - alma matris (...not exactly)

2006-08-20T02:26:00.000-07:00

ok no one's surprised but i am moving up to asheville today and yeah i'm still packing. i have been up all night jacked up on coffee trying to get all my shit together and i'm still not done.

it's not a good look.

i am gonna try my best to leave d-town by midday. it may or may not work. and classes start tomorrow, which i am really not amused by. although, on some positive shit, if i can make it through this week i think i'll be aiight. one can only hope.

back to packing, bitches! (slightly panic face)

listening to: etro anime - diablo
" sometimes there's a devil sitting on my shoulder
what is it about me? he just won't go away
and though we have gotten to like each other
i've gotta find me and angel
someday"

2006-08-17T21:49:00.000-07:00

crisis averted. someone agreed to cover for me at work tomorrow. that will really help me out a lot. please understand that i've been really stressed out and this blog may occasionally be used to rant, and isn't meant to hurt anyone's feelings (usually - if it is, then whoever you are, you've really fucked up, because i'm a very easy going person for the most part). so i'm home now and looking forward to relaxing tonight for the first night in a while. nothing really interesting to say, i guess.

listening to: ernesto - devil's gotta run
"let your home be a place where love is warm"

2006-08-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

ok so this is the dc replacement. that shit got tired and i wasn't feeling it anymore, so i never posted. it's still out there, but you know.

this week is mad stressful. i'm trying to get everything ready to move back to school. btw um i coulda waited like another month before that shit. however, it seems it is time, and i'm working all the time and trying to see everyone here and spend time with my family, and it's a lot of pressure. i know it'll work itself out, but in the meanwhile it's kinda killing my soul.

here's the latest dilemma: today i'm supposed to work at 330 to come in early for a coworker to close at the store, and tomorrow i'm supposed to close as well. see, i'm not happy with closing both of my last nights, so i've been trying to switch out for tomorrow night, but none of these motherfuckers want to step up. and i have helped out people several times in a relatively short period, so i'm just a bit resentful. and i'm trying to decide if i want to just call out and go completely sketch like that. i know that's not very professional, but at the same time, i need a fucking break.

speaking of, i really should get ready, so that will have to be all fa now.

listening to: strange fruit project - liberation
"the harder the struggle the more reason for us to live it"

2006-08-17T01:23:00.000-07:00

this is the new shit