my mind is anywhere but at school, in class right now. i don't know what's going on. i'm feeling really disconnected from my life lately. and that can be a problem. i have all this work to do, and it's getting done for the most part, but at the very lastest of moments. it's really a bad look.

my mind is preoccupied with all kinds of shit, and it's just really difficult to prioritize my time and push those things out of the way to get things done. i'm really not sure what it is that would help the most. it's both a blessing and a curse that the semester is almost over. i really need to get everything taken care of for summer school. i will do it tomorrow. that is a standing promise to myself. let's all hope i keep it, cause who i'ma be mad at if i don't, riight. that's not cute.

it's so childish to want to run away from your problems or to just consistently try to do anything to take your mind off them. ever heard of dealing with them? yes in fact i have and i'm trying but i'm conflicted on it. sometimes it seems like it's really about one thing and then that changes. which probably only really means i'm truly fucked. lol. not really but that is not helpful to dealing with it all. i have a counseling appointment on wednesday but dear lord where do i even start? who knows. it feels pretty hopeless pretty much all the time.

all the people that talk about how everyday is a fresh start baffle me. today is nothing but a continuation of my life up until this point and let me tell you it is anything but fresh. i am constantly reliving past mistakes and picking up the pieces and i feel like i'm not getting anywhere at this point. but then, where would i have myself go if i were able? i don't know. it makes you cross-eyed even to think in circles like this, much less live your life in that way. there have been a lot of good things happening recently as well, but they are continually dwarfed by my incessant worrying and inability to get out of my head.

i wish i could really feel like i was making a clean break with all my problems and just move on to bigger and better things in my life, but damn it's hard to do that, isn't it? i'm sure dr. phil or some of those crackpots would say no, but i just find all of that self help speak to be a little more than sickening at best. at the very least i think these people are living in deep denial of all that is truly wrong in their lives.

that's really not fair, but that is what i would be doing if i just decided - poof - there go my problems and all my shit, bring on my life. so the large lesson it seems is that there is some balance i need to find between those two. if i could just get that part right, maybe some things would turn around.

thanks for listening, whoever you are. it is good just to get things out somehow, even for a moment. i'm feeling really tired and that a short nap is in order. then i have to pick up a perscription. i want to see some poeple tonight, also. as far as work i have to finish my art history paper tomorrow, so i should work on it some tonight. also some finance problems to do. all very doable, as long as you're not being bombarded with craziness and consequently are unable to focus. let's just hope that will not be the case. it be good to be that person that gets things done at least once in awhile, if only to keep things interesting.

listening to: kate havnevik - "unlike me"