ok so i switched up the blog game, but never posted the new link up here. stupid right? but anyway, here it go:

*the new ish*

so i'll catch all you over there. :)

on a break from some heavy shit, with my apologies for having such a drama-enthused blog...

Your Career Personality: Capable, Friendly, and Energetic

Your Ideal Careers: Actor Advertising Executive Artist Counselor Entrepreneur Musician Politician Psychologist Teacher Television Reporter

The Quick and Dirty Career Test

...look at her! yeah that's me for sure haha. seriously though some of those are good.

You Are Modernism

You tend to be oriented toward the future and technology. You like art that signals how the world might change in radical ways. As far as art goes, everything in the past is obsolete - and it's time to carve a new path. You prefer art that doesn't follow any rules - even if the art doesn't make much sense.

What Art Movement Are You?

...that is spot on.

whereas this could not be more wrong!...

Your Life Path Number is 8

Your purpose in life is to help others succeed You are both a natural leader and a natural success. You are also a great judge of character. You have a head for business and finance. You know how to make money. A great visionary, you can see gold where other people see nothing. In love, you are very generous - with gifts, time, and guidance. You love to inspire people, but it can be frustrating when they don't understand your vision. Great success comes easily for you. But so does great failure, as you are very reckless. You are confident, and sometimes this confidence borders on arrogance.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

You Are a Rainbow

Breathtaking and rare You are totally enchanting and intriguing But you usually don't stick around long! You are best known for: your beauty Your dominant state: seducing

What Type of Weather Are You?

...HAHAHAHA that was in no way planned!

partially true, i think...

You Are A Martini

You are the kind of drinker who appreciates a nice hard drink. And for you, only quality alcohol. You don't waste your time on the cheap stuff. Obviously, you're usually found with a martini in your hand. But sometimes you mix it up with a gin and tonic. And you'd never, ever consider one of those flavored martinis. They're hardly a drink!

What Alcoholic Drink Are You?

You Have A Type B Personality

You're as laid back as they come... Your baseline mood is calm and level headed Creativity and philosophy tend to be your forte Like a natural sedative, you have a soothing effect on people Friends and family often turn to you first with their problems You have the personality to be a spiritual or psychological guru

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

...no shit.

Your Kissing Purity Score: 26% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell... But word is, you kiss pretty well.

Kissing Purity Test

...that picture cracks me up!

and finally...

Your Birthdate: March 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame. You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them. Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing. You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

listening to: majestic 12 - "alone again (truby trio treatment)"

i've decided it has been way too long since i'd been out dancing with my friends. tonight was so much fun, and i'm so sad that my summer here is almost through! but i brought my ass home and i'm about to pass the fuck out, and i just wanted to write how much fun i had at my last summer stir of 2007.

i wish i were more of a picture taker though, because i just don't have any pics of my friends that i've taken. i think it's because i hate having my picture taken so much. i'm just always the pastey shiny one. sometimes it's ok, though, so i wish i had taken more pictures tonight. oh well. i'm sure erryone else did.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
today is the most stressful mess of a day in recent memory. i can't go
into details now because there is still more craziness to come. but i
will be back.

back. so i woke up reluctantly, feeling really
tired and dreading doing anything. this being the case, i reset my
alarm for 30 more minutes. my dad then calls up to me to remind me i
really need to get the car inspected and cut the grass today. i know
this already, but his telling me makes it seem more urgent, and so i
only sleep for 20 more minutes. i get up, shower, dress, leave for the
license place in the mall to get my registration renewed. i drive all
the way there, thinking "i can get all this done today. it's all good."
i get to sketchy northgate and two cars almost hit me from driving right
through their fucking stop signs. then once i spot a parking space,
the fucking moron driving in front of me can't decide where he's going
but he knows one thing for sure and that's that he's going to take
FOREVER TO GET THERE! i finally park and get out of my car and experience
a moment of dread, realizing i have forgotten my wallet.

so i drive all the way home. keep in mind i was going to do that renewal
thing before my doctor's appointment. now i do not have enough time to only
barely make it on time to my appointment alone. so i drive to duke, and parking
is an expected disaster. i walk to the clinic and there are only 2 people in
front of me. "no problems here," i think to myself maybe my day is
turning around. wrong. there is one person at the check-in desk and
she's slow as fuck and apparently knows the lady she's checking in, but
who has come to the wrong clinic! they're chatting it up and laughing
about the mistake, and then the receptionist gets up and leaves. when
she gets back she shuffles some things around on her counter and says
casually, like business as usual, "next person." 10 minutes to check
in, and i'm late as hell. and i get a look that the receptionist is thinking to herself: "wow you're late."

as if i didn't know. so i take my half-completed paperwork to a chair and
realize i have no pen because i just cleaned out my bag yesterday. so i
decide just to read and fill it out once i get into the room. thank god
i brought a book, because it was my saving grace throughout this train
wreck of a day.augusten burroughs' "dry." and yes i know books are supposed to be underlined, but i'm taking liberties. i'm re-reading it, and it is a amusing book considering i'm in the hospital. i get back to the room and the nurse, who has good
intentions i have to say, completely fucks my finger up with a blood
sampling. it's not hard. and it's anendocrine clinic so lord knows
she's had practice. my finger is oozing blood and she gives me 2
bandages. she means well, but it's only fitting considering the day so
far. i then fill out my paperwork, which i basically give up on,
because it reads "problems and concerns" and gives me a small space to
fill some things in. i just decide to write "i'm a mess."

the nurse practitioner i see is always a very nice lady, so this visit is not bad. we set some goals for me to take better care of myself, because
as noted i;m a mess. even though the visit goes well, the stress of
just how much i am a mess is a weight not to be lifted. speaking of
weight, i weigh like 6 pounds more than i thought i did, which pisses
me off. i then get my lab work done and leave to get my renewal and my
inspection done.

arriving at northgate i have more incidents
of incapable drivers. and please note if i find your driving crazy,
you've really fucked up. i go into the place and there's no line. a
good thing. i get up to the counter and greet the man and hand him my
card to get my renewal and he says, "cash or check only, sir." i say
"are you kidding me?" and he points to theatm in the corner. so i go
over to it and make a withdrawal with a $2.50 fee and come back, and
drop the money on his desk and do not speak to him anymore. i leave and
go to jiffy lube to get my inspection done. this idiotic man takes
forever just to walk his ass to my car to tell me to wait inside. i
tell him i know i have a headlight out, but i have my bulb that i
bought on my dashboard with my registration.i'm thinking this is fine and i'll be home soon.

they haven't even pulled my fucking car into the building when another guy
comes to me and says they aren't able to put the bulb into my car, so i
won't pass the inspection. aren't able or just won't do? just curious,
since my car is not in theshop and has had no attention yet. i say it's fine but i'd like paperwork in case i get pulled over uninspected. he says ok
like it'll be seconds later. my car has still not moved, and people are
being helped left and right around me, so i go out the garage and
annoyed ask if i couldjust get my papers so i can leave. he says i'm
sorry but your information has to be entered into the database. that
takes 15 fucking minutes! long enough for me to see the end of judgejudy
and the first segment of hard copy or some bullshit like that. another
guy comes in and tells me it's $24. just for a paper that says my car is not ok
! he then tells me i should have told him not to do anything. but i was
not told these details. i get in my car and leave for home. wash the
dishes and cut the grass, and take a shower.

and that brings us here. and this may not seem that frustrating to someone just reading
it, but the back story here is that i just got paid and paid off a
third of my lawyer fees and now have spent $100 in medical-related
costs, and $75 in car-related costs, and my gas is almost empty and
glaring at me to fill it or else. so i have like $50 dollars until - wait for it - NEXT friday! i'm trying to keep things in perspective but there's no way in hell. so i will have to get money from my parents. i'm trying to actually be an adult and not do that, but things like this keep happening and it makes it really pretty much impossible right now.

F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-I-N-G.

you always hear people say, "i feel like i could scream," and think, damn,
it's not that serious. but today i would be right there with them
screaming my ass off. that is if i wasn't getting ready to get in bed
and pull the blanket over my head.

i couldn't sleep very well last night, so i just laid in bed. some of the night i would just think and some of it i watched movies on my laptop to escape. my dad came home around midnight and apologized to me, crying. i apologized too, and immediately felt bad that my mom was asleep and i couldn't apologize to her right away. i guess that's partly what kept me up during the night, so i wouldn't miss her before she left for work today. as dramtic as it is, it really feels like moments or days like yesterday change you in some irreversable way. like an ending of a chapter, or something. it's not at all like a new lease on life; nothing new really. but there is consolation in the fact that if you can get through that, you might just be alright after all.

i really don't feel like going to work today, and being cheerful retail person, but in a small way it might really help to lose myself in the monotony of greeting and packaging and scanning, and all those important things. it's very hard to say what today will be like because i've never felt like i sunk so low before. so i'll treat to day as a field test and we'll see. if it goes badly, at least it won't be as bad as yesterday, and that means a lot really.

today took quite a bad turn. i was asleep most of the day, because i've been having crazy dreams and waking up later and later because of it. i hung out a little with my brother and talked to him a while about my parents. we are both feeling really distant from them recently. and they've been weirder and weirder and being upset for no apparent reasons. i took up for them a little, though, and said that i've been trying to talk to the to find out what is wrong. but then today when my dad came home to get me to pick up my car, things took a turn. he had called me and told me to be ready when he got home, and of course i wasn't. but he only had to wait like 5 minutes at the most. then when i get into the truck, he starts telling me how all he asked was that i be ready and i couldn't even do that. and i said i was sorry, and asked him if anything else was wrong, and he said no at first. but he said it in a way that obviously it wasn't true. so i asked him and he so nicely obliged me the information. and it was a barrage of judgments and accusaions, and so i said fine i'm just a huge disappointment, and he went to hit me and he didn't, but i told him to go ahead. he didn't though, and i got my car and went home. i've been feeling really worthless and hopeless lately and this came out of nowhere and really did a number on me. i came in the house to talk to my mom and she was not helpful at all, and could not understand where i was coming from. when she tried to talk to me it just made things feel worse. i went upstairs and began taking ibuprofens, because i had decided i was going to end it all. i took in all just under twenty, and then drank some wine and cried more into my pillow. then i read some things online about suicide and started to change my mind about going through with it. my mom came back up and i told her i didn't want to talk, but i did a little and then she said some things that made me feel it again and i took some more. this is the second time this summer that i have really felt out of control and completely hopeless. i'm not sure what to do. i've hurt people and myself and i don't know how to reconcile it all. part of me just feels like let them be disappointed in you and go on with your life, but then a bigger part feels like it is unbearable and that their words and beliefs about me are just enough to make mine that much worse and it feels like too much to take. i've never felt this low. i feel trapped and that nothing i could do after this could make up for the disappointments i've caused. i don't know what to do, and i feel horrible for posting this, but i have no one i feel like i can talk to, and i was hoping this would help. i'm so tired of hating myself this much, and to the point where if one person sas something hurtful or acts as if i've let them down, i feel it is all over. i'd like to think things could get better, but i'm just not sure if they can, and if i can change my life enough to where people could believe in me or i could believe in myself more. this must sound completely crazy, and that's how it feels too. this isn't a reaching out, but thank you to whoever is reading it and maybe understands. i really hope things could get better. there are a lot of great people in my life, and i don't want to let them down any more, and that's the only thing i know for sure right now.