i'm having a really hard time keeping it together recently. it's almost like i need constant distraction, or else i get depressed.

i really don't feel connected to this school right now, and everyday it's like i wake up and think, "seriously?..." i also do not have any money, which is stressing me out to no end. i feel bad to keep asking my parents for help, even though i clearly have no other option at the moment. the consequence there is that i'm stuck at school basically, and i'm so fucking sick of this place.

and i have just over two weeks left to find out my results, and that is on my mind at all times.

i just want to run away. i have no money and not much gas to do so, but the thought is so appealing right now. i'd come back, but jesus fuck, i need a new outlook.

i don't have classes tomorrow which is good, but i will have to fill my day with whatever i can so i don't sit around and think.

a friend of mine just called to tell me she's engaged yesterday, and i'm so happy for her, but afterwards it made me feel very sad and alone. but boys are clearly not what i need in my life in any real way. so who the fuck knows.

i just want to go to sleep right now, but my mind is reeling. today was not bad until i got back from dinner with eva and alison and gina. and i don't feel good about going into why on here, but just know that's when the mood of the day changed drastically.

oh and i hate ebay. where is my fucking pink pirate t shirt?! i ordered it on my birthday! kill my soul.

listening to: kruder & dorfmeister - "sin/where shall i turn"

this past weekend was so much fun! on friday, eva and alison took me out to dinner at mela for delicious indian food with our friends meredith and alana. after dinner we stopped by the drum circle downtown after walking down church street, and watched the hippies and (no judgment) crazies dancing. it was really cool. there were some kids there too, which was so cute. then we went to the hookah bar and smoked 2 hookahs and just chilled. when i got back i talked toali some at the luxurious vll. then i met up with my friends and we all hung out in marshall's room and watched margaret cho til we were delirious, especially my puss:


(my puss go straight for the jugular, your puss get uglier and uglier)

saturday. woke up around 10 and went to barnes and noble to use the rest of my credit that my aunt ellen gave to me. i bought the new tracey thorn cd:



which i love. it's really varied and her voice is always great. then i came back to school and went with jordanna to jen's reading at a queer chick reading. all of the pieces were really good. i'm really surprised by people's creativity and inspired. i used to write all the time, and it makes me want to start up again. but who knows.
then we ate at highsmith, which admittedly was only good because i was with my friends. then i went to eva and alison's for yummy kabobs with their neighbors, who were really cool. i'm really enjoying meeting all these new people. came back to school for the progressive prom, and dressed up some which was fun, but not the
best choice cause a bitch was hot as hell in that dance. there were some wonderful memorable aspects, and some woeful ones. but it was fun to see people that i don't usually see around school on the day to day. the music was horrific, but it was fun
to dance a little. after that,believe it or not, we went to jen and jordanna's
room and watched one of my home videos from 1991, so everyone could see how big my hair used to be. it made me miss home again, and so afterwards i went to bed.

sunday. woke up to a call from ms. pearson. we went to starbucks spent a lovely morning talking and enjoying the beautiful weather,which inspired us to take drastic action to get off campus and really enjoy the scenery inasheville. we collected marshall and jordanna and went to the blue ridge parkway. why have i been here for over a year and not yet been there? there's no excuse. it is a beautiful drive fraught with surprise tunnels, and views of the mountains. it was very serene, and
allowed me to reflect some and just enjoy asheville, which i have not been lately. we stopped at a creek/river/who knows, and marshall and jordanna waded in the water and claimed this tiny little island near an overpass, where chad and i enjoyably yet cautiously watched them. chad took some amusing videos. when i got back i went to have dinner witheva and alison again. they are taking me in it feels like to feed me. hahaha which is wonderful. we had a great time and a couple bottles of wine between us, and i came back and got in touch with young christopher and kenny and jordanna and we went to watch drop dead gorgeous. i did not make it very far, because of having partaken of so much wine, so i slumped into bed and let the weekend hold me til i had to wake up for school, and remember where i am.

today shouldn't be bad, though. art history and marketing. i can start making
my note cards for the next art history exam, and maybe (and admittedly ambitiously) make some way on my ad project.i'm feeling relatively optimistic and that's a welcome change. i've decided i will get out of my surroundings more often to keep the
experience of being here fresh, and to give me more stories to share. enjoy your monday, friends! i'ma do the same.

listening to: aya - "sean (eric's 2fwu mix)"

this week has been an array of mixed emotions. i withdrew from my IT
class, which i feel like was a really good step, and psychologically
will free me up in a lot of ways. plus i have the syllabus so i can get
ahead for taking it later.

the blue six cd came in and it is really amazing. had a lovely afternoon with chad
yesterday. then a fun night with everyone watching top design and queer
as folk.

today however is kind of a mess. i had my finance class this morning, and i'm
feeling sort of lost right now. and i was supposed to go to this talk
that my professor was hosting with a guest speaker, which would have
given me extra credit on my next exam, but i decided to sit it out and
study for my physics exam, which is in 15 minutes. also i was planning
on having lunch with everyone, which recently is pretty much the only
definite time to see anyone. but that fell through for whatever
reasons, and i can't really get anyone on the phone, which is basically
bullshit. so i'm a little annoyed at this point.

i have a counseling appointment after physics, and i really don't want to go. i
mean, i will, and i like my counselor a lot, but i need something more
often to make any difference, and this just isn't going to cut it.i'm
dealing with my shit all the time by my damn self anyway, so i might as
well keep on. no one's really much help anyway, even if they are really
trying.

it's very frustrating, though, to be continually jerked around between
feeling good about some shit and then feeling like things are not ever
working out. i just wish i could get some sort of grasp on things. and
i really wish i could be somewhere else. more and more i'm more frustrated with this place and pretty much everything that comes with it. there are some exceptions, but not many.

now i have ot go take my physics exam, which i am not optimistic about. i'm really in no position to be taking an exam at the moment. but no one asked me.

typical.

listening to: n'dambi - "can't change me"

"closer...
Goapele

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...sometimes you just have to let it go. leaving all my fears to burn down. push them all away so i can move on."

so this past week was really rough on me. who's surprised, really?

i did go take care of something that had been worrying me a lot for months. now i just wait. you can probably guess what it is i'm talking about, and if you can't, maybe that's ok too. i don't feel comfortable going into detail about those types of things on here.

i took my second finance exam, and despite being very worryied about it, i feel like i did fairly well. we'll see. i ran into my econ history professor that day, also, who i adore. she's the funniest and most sarcastic person, but also really understanding and kind. she asked me how school was going and how my health was, and i gave her a brief rundown. i feel badly for not keeping up with the professors i really like. i didn't do that well in her class, though, so i think embarassment or guilt is a part of that particular situation. maybe i can work on some sort of visit situation somehow.

in other news of school, i'm fairly certain i'm going to withdraw from my IT class. i've fallen woefully behind in that class, and i emailed dr. maaaannns on wednesday to ask her some important questions about two big assignments due tomorrow, and she has not gotten back to me, so i'm basically ass up. if you're a professor you should check your emails more often than that. christ. i'm going to go ahead and interview my friend for the interview project we had to do, because i will probably take her class again in the fall. see eventhough i really don't like her, at least i'll know what to expect. that's my feeling on that at least.

i'm home right now. i drove home to get my taxes done with my parents. sounds fun, right? haha. well the accountant did all the work, so it was fine by me. and afterwards my parents and i went to the movies. we saw amazing grace, which i thought was really great and inspiring. it made me want to do something revolutionary. then we had japanese for dinner. when we got home my mom and i watched the rescuers down under, and my brother came home in the middle. after that i finished my physics homework.

i've been really tired recently. i think i'm worried about a lot of things and don't feel up to deal with them, so i sleep a lot. it fluctuates, though. i feel really good sometimes, but then really hopeless others. i don't feel very connected with my life at the moment. at least parts of it. i don't feel connected with asheville. i wake up and i'm like, oh yeah... this. hmmm. i find it hard to connect the dots that have led me to the places and contexts i find myself.

waiting for my laundry to finish. i will head back to school shortly-ish. i don't really look forward to driving that much today. sometimes it's great, but yeah not today. i don't want to leave home. i feel much more connected with this part of my life right now. but oh well.

listening to: the peter malick group feat. norah jones - "strange transmissions (dj strobe bossa nova remix)"

ambassador of soul

so i finished the homework earlier than i'd thought i would for my
finance class, and thought i should not go to sleep because i would
miss the class. i stayed up and got somethings done until 20 minutes to
leave when i put my head down and then did not wake up until class was
basically over.

my teacher doesn't accept late homeworks, so i emailed him, but have no idea what he'll say. i worked so hard on that stupid assignment. and i'm bitter and hateful about the whole thing truthfully. i'm
just so tired and i got no sleep the night before or last night for
working on that stupid thing. and it is really funny how i would come
so close and then miss class. this tends to be the kind of thing that
happens to me, it feels like. and i would strongly characterize that as
fucked up.

i'm tired and miserable today and have no clue what
will happen with this class. if something could just work out for me
here that would be really amazing. but i do not have a good feeling
about it.

beyond these things i have something set up for tomorrow that deals with the larger issues i've been worried about all semester, and i'm
sick just dreading it. i really need a way to get out of my head,
because the worries and the thoughts will not stop and it's making it
very nearly impossible for me to be happy.

i just wish things would stop unravelling on me. i don't feel like i deserve to be this much of a mess. and so now i'm sitting here waiting for an email response and we all know how crazy that can feel. this is torturous. and i just want to sleep and forget about everything, but i'd only wake up to things being worse.

i hate to be so negative all the time, but i really fucking hate school. i'm so completely and utterly through with all of it. and i'm 25. enough is enough. i would scream but i'm
in a dorm room. i need a change of scenery. anything to take my mind
off school and how crazy things are at the moment, and maybe even make
me feel like i can deal with it in some meaningful way, because i am at
a loss.

i fucking hate managerial finance. i will be up all night doing this shit. and i'm not even completely sure i'm
doing it correctly. that's just the icing on the cake. it's just not
right that these kinds of problems even exist in the world. or if they
must, it just is not by any means acceptable that i am to do them.

i've surely said it before, but it could always bear repeating... kill my soul.

guess what?

this break has been fun. i haven't written during it, so i'm gonna do a summary sorta of what's gone down.

monday i was getting better and mom was too. we watched romantic comedies together in the afternoon over late take out lunches. we saw laws of attraction and two weeks' notice. then we had dinner with my dad and brother when they got home later.



on tuesday i saw la jessica for a nice long lunch at fosters and to give her her baby gifts. i got chupa the inflatable duck tub (why don't adults have these things?), some onesies, and a pacifier with a cute green elephant on it. then saw craig for a trip to nv and target to pick up things before his trip to italy.


on wednesday i slept pretty much all day, and had dinner with my fambly, and then saw brian. we stayed up all night talking, which was cool. i miss seeing him more often. it always reminds me of our past, which is good and bad.

thursday i drove to winston salem to see jody, who showed me the many wonders of that place. i met some of his friends there too and we had dinner and coffee. then i spent some time with my family when i got back, and actually watched some basketball.

today i had lunch with my dad, then went shopping for my birthday presents with my mom. then we had my birthday dinner with my family. then i watched the jungle book with my mom, because my little cousin returned my disney movies that i lent her years ago, because she doesn't watch vhs anymore and she has tons of movies.

everyone is asleep now, except me. and i'm feeling really emotional. i keep tearing up. i'm really sad that my break is almost over. i need more time to spend with everyone. i know i'm gonna be 25 on monday but i don't wanna leave my old room or my family. i will probably have to come right back home very soon.

i'm still pretty worried about a lot of things. i need to talk it out. i feel like i have this dual reality happening right now, and it's really hard to reconcile. i hope things turn out ok. i just want to drown out all those worries somehow. they pop up at really bad times. right now i'm having some wine. i know that's bad to drink by yourself, but fuck it. it's my birthday. "i do what i want!" lol. and i'm listening to whatever pops up on my itunes. right now it's tamia "stranger in my house" hahaha i'm just gonna be honest on that one. just incase you need to relive it too...


and now to lighten my mood (hopefully)... i'm gonna make a tentative list of things i'm buying myself for my birthday. the items in the running are as follows:

-the new blue six cd, aquarian angel.
-an esthero pink pirate tshirt.
-queer as folk final season dvds.
-some new jeans. but i'm not sure which kind or where from..
-she-ra dvd set. i might not be able to resist...

this is a preliminary list. oh and things i got today are:

-barnes and noble gift card
-a book from my grandma
-sunglasses from nordstrom
-grey pinstripe blazer from urban outfitters
-green checkered shirt from banana
-some cash money

listening to: esthero - "my torture"

"...we march into love. it's who we are..."

i'm so happy to be at home. it's been so nice to see my family and spend time with them. my first day back we all went to lunch together and then i went shopping for my second cousin's 3rd birthday presents with my mom, which was fun. we read children's books and made fun of some of the crazy toys. then we went shopping for jessica's baby shower together. i've just really enjoyed everything so far.

being back home though has given me some time to think and i have had some problematic conclusions. i really wish i had made it to my counseling appointment on friday because i've had a very hard time with some things. i have not seen my friends yet, largely because of some insecurities that i don't really feel brave enough to admit to them. but i'll mention them here for the world to know. stupid, i realize. anyway on saturday i was supposed to go out with a few friends, and everyone was coupled off except for me. normally i do not have a hard time with these types of situations, but this weekend it felt like a really big deal. also i have become increasingly unhappy with my appearance. so i was too self-conscious to go out to a gay bar of all places. plus also the reality is that i have not been feeling all that well, and that probably wouldn't have been smart.

but today i stayed in bed all day. that's a pretty sad way to be starting off spring break. so it made me think a lot about things, and realize that i need to take action in changing or i will get worse.

now i'm working on physics. we have all these questions we can answer in our online text for extra credit and i am determined to do every single one. well that and i may really need those points. eek. i may make a later entry tonight as well. but there you have it.

listening to: dzihan & kamien - "deep kitsch"

truthfully, i was pretty sure about these results, but i'm posting it so others can take the test themselves. well that and i really don't want to do any work right now. :(


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