i couldn't sleep very well last night, so i just laid in bed. some of the night i would just think and some of it i watched movies on my laptop to escape. my dad came home around midnight and apologized to me, crying. i apologized too, and immediately felt bad that my mom was asleep and i couldn't apologize to her right away. i guess that's partly what kept me up during the night, so i wouldn't miss her before she left for work today. as dramtic as it is, it really feels like moments or days like yesterday change you in some irreversable way. like an ending of a chapter, or something. it's not at all like a new lease on life; nothing new really. but there is consolation in the fact that if you can get through that, you might just be alright after all.

i really don't feel like going to work today, and being cheerful retail person, but in a small way it might really help to lose myself in the monotony of greeting and packaging and scanning, and all those important things. it's very hard to say what today will be like because i've never felt like i sunk so low before. so i'll treat to day as a field test and we'll see. if it goes badly, at least it won't be as bad as yesterday, and that means a lot really.