today took quite a bad turn. i was asleep most of the day, because i've been having crazy dreams and waking up later and later because of it. i hung out a little with my brother and talked to him a while about my parents. we are both feeling really distant from them recently. and they've been weirder and weirder and being upset for no apparent reasons. i took up for them a little, though, and said that i've been trying to talk to the to find out what is wrong. but then today when my dad came home to get me to pick up my car, things took a turn. he had called me and told me to be ready when he got home, and of course i wasn't. but he only had to wait like 5 minutes at the most. then when i get into the truck, he starts telling me how all he asked was that i be ready and i couldn't even do that. and i said i was sorry, and asked him if anything else was wrong, and he said no at first. but he said it in a way that obviously it wasn't true. so i asked him and he so nicely obliged me the information. and it was a barrage of judgments and accusaions, and so i said fine i'm just a huge disappointment, and he went to hit me and he didn't, but i told him to go ahead. he didn't though, and i got my car and went home. i've been feeling really worthless and hopeless lately and this came out of nowhere and really did a number on me. i came in the house to talk to my mom and she was not helpful at all, and could not understand where i was coming from. when she tried to talk to me it just made things feel worse. i went upstairs and began taking ibuprofens, because i had decided i was going to end it all. i took in all just under twenty, and then drank some wine and cried more into my pillow. then i read some things online about suicide and started to change my mind about going through with it. my mom came back up and i told her i didn't want to talk, but i did a little and then she said some things that made me feel it again and i took some more. this is the second time this summer that i have really felt out of control and completely hopeless. i'm not sure what to do. i've hurt people and myself and i don't know how to reconcile it all. part of me just feels like let them be disappointed in you and go on with your life, but then a bigger part feels like it is unbearable and that their words and beliefs about me are just enough to make mine that much worse and it feels like too much to take. i've never felt this low. i feel trapped and that nothing i could do after this could make up for the disappointments i've caused. i don't know what to do, and i feel horrible for posting this, but i have no one i feel like i can talk to, and i was hoping this would help. i'm so tired of hating myself this much, and to the point where if one person sas something hurtful or acts as if i've let them down, i feel it is all over. i'd like to think things could get better, but i'm just not sure if they can, and if i can change my life enough to where people could believe in me or i could believe in myself more. this must sound completely crazy, and that's how it feels too. this isn't a reaching out, but thank you to whoever is reading it and maybe understands. i really hope things could get better. there are a lot of great people in my life, and i don't want to let them down any more, and that's the only thing i know for sure right now.