so i just got home from craig's birthday party, and i am not really sure how i'm feeling right now. recently i have felt more and more self conscious and it's hard to have a good time when i go out. i try to put together cute outfits and all that shit, but it's just not the problem. everyone was taking pictures and the whole night i'm thinking: please don't let them catch my shiny red face in any of these. i've had a hard time with my appearance and my body for a long time, but recently it's been a lot more on my mind, and i can't have fun when i go out and it's really brought me down tonight. i saw a lot of people i knew tonight and that part was really great and no one is acting as if i have something to worry about, but i almost wish it were that, because then i could just hate a few random people and not have to deal with it myself. i fucking hate the summer. it is just impossible for me to feel any good type of way during the summer, because it's sticky and hot and i'm pastey and not in as good of shape as i want to be, and it's just a mess. this must sound so superficial, but it's really not. it's something i've always struggled with, but it's just really become a problem much more for me recently. i don't even want to go out because of it, and now i'm depressed at 4:30 in the morning and there's nothing to be done about it. i hate to be so whiney but there's no way i could actually tell anyone this it's so pathetic, so i thought i would try to get it out this way.