things have continued to be pretty much as they started. which means it's been really chill bordering on supremely boring. i'm so broke. i hope i will hear from barnes and noble early this week, because even if they're really on top of it i wouldn't start working til just after the start of june because of scheduling. it's very discouraging. i really should get a real job of some sort, but i don't have a resume or any of that stuff, and it really shouldn't be so hard to get a stupid retail job for the summer. i mean honestly. i sorta kinda started exercising a bit, and am trying to keep up the idea that as long as i'm doing something it's good rather than focusing on how much whatever i am doing hasn't changed the way i look yet. we'll see how that goes. i haven't really even heard from anyone since i've been back, which has made me feel a little sad. maybe everyone but me is busy. i'm feeling kind of depressed about being at home all the time, though, and gas is so expensive that i feel bad if i just leave to drive somewhere i really don't need to go, and i'm trying to be thrifty being so poor and all. i can't bring myself to ask my parents for money right now, because i feel like it will obligate me to talk about my plans for the summer, which i really don't have, because i'm hoping (in an admittedly lazy way) that things just fall into some semblance of order. on one hand though i'm trying to remind myself to enjoy the down time, because when things are so busy all i want is that time, and now that things are not i want it to be busy again. today i sat out of church and realized that by going only a couple times i have set a precedent that i am willing to go every week. i will need to kill that idea with a quickness, though. i don't want to start a controversy but at some point i may just have to say in a nice way that i don't believe in all that. i'm dreading that conversation though. i won't deny it. what am i going to do today? it sorta feels like sundays when i was a kid; where it was kind of a waste of day because it just felt so depressing that you didn't really ever do anything. i could read or something maybe. i like to do that in the summer when i don't have all kinds of boring bullshit to read. or i could watch a movie. i rented angels in america and frida from the library, but they feel kind of heavy for the middle of the day. i don't know what my family is doing but from being here all the time i notice that i'm getting a little bit easily annoyed with people, and i feel badly about that, so i might need either to get out or just have some refreshing alone time, whatever that means (which i don't know at the moment). i got my grades back and i did a lot better than i thought i would, which was a big relief. i got an A- in art history, B- in marketing, C in finance, and a D in physics (which i already knew about). i was actually worried i might get down to a really bad gpa but i'm still over a 2.5 which i'm ok with. could be better, but also could be way worse. this is the ramblingest entry ever. i hope things start to work themselves int o a comfortable way for the summer. i don't want the whole summer to be about doubting and worrying over things. but then again, it is me after all. something will work out.