"at first I wrote it "dear you," then it turned,
"to whom it may concern."
i began it in this way because
i needed to express through these words,
how deeply i was hurt,
and how distant from you i now was.
i wrote "normally i would say
these words to your face,
but this time that i just can't do...

this is my goodbye."

i have had a very difficult time here recently. as is usually the case at the end of the semester. i feel unable to focus on anything. and i really want to do well on my finals and as well as i can in my classes. i felt sick all day today for no reason and i've been so lost and so scattered that i completely forgot about my counseling appointment on the 2nd. i didn't remember it at all until the middle of the day today. and that would've really helped me right now, i think. and who does that? i've forgotten things a lot, but to not remember until the next day is really bad.

but that is just the thing. i'm so tired of trying to be the good student, the good friend, the good person, and it is never enough. i always come up short either for myself or for someone else. and it's gotten so tiresome and i just feel like giving up. there are several things on my mind and some of them that have been worrying me almost constantly that i think i'm ready to give up on. and i feel badly about that, but at some point enough is enough, truly. and i've made it through these things before, i'll just have to do it again. i feel like i don't even know what i want anymore or what i should do. it's a constant compromise of myself, and i'm not even fully aware when i'm doing it anymore really. and yes this is dramatic but it's late and it's my journal, so it's to be expected.

i am looking so forward to being back home. this place has gotten to be a place where i am always feeling uneasy and uncertain of myself, and i don't like feeling like that. i wanted that to be different also, but nothing seems to be working out as i'd hoped, so i really should stop being surprised by the disappointments.

in the meanwhile i'll be studying for my art history exam that's at 11:30. at least the one exam i feel the most sure of is the first one. i can be glad about that. but it's a lot of memorizing, so you know my forgetful ass better hop on that quick. also it is definitely almost 4:30 in the morning. i'm living the 3rd shift life, which is never a good sign.