yesterday was definitely one of the worst ever. i don't really want to get into it a lot, because it go on for a long time, but the brief version is that i disappointed my dad very much over something pretty small, but also fairly easy for me to have done right. afterwards he said some very hurtful things, which he's apologized for already, but that really fucked me up. the things he said were judgments i have of myself that are very difficult to live with, but that i thought were at least not shared by my parent(s). i'm not sure if he meant them, or if he was simply angry, but it put a lot of doubt in my mind. after that i felt pretty defeated and not really up to much, but i had my follow up interview at banana shortly after. i had already been warned about this guy from my friend and from the lady that interviewed me the previous day. she really liked me and told jody that, which i thought was very encouraging, but i'm not sure if it was just what happened earlier or what but the second interview did not go well, i don't think. he was a complete dick, and just on some hyper-masculine type shit combined with short people syndrome, and i tried to win him over but it's very hard to say how well that went. i am worried, though. i could always find something else, yes, but it just felt very defeating for me, especially after what happened earlier. all i did after that was sleep. i slept for hours and woke up around 9 at night to have some cereal and see everyone at home. now of course i can't sleep, but truthfully it's ok, because late at night i won't really have anything to deal with and can be alone to think or whatever.

i sure hope things work out. i'm becoming increasingly tired with settling for things. i'm not underqualified for these bullshit jobs, and i am feeling some type of way about possibly being snubbed by this dick. we'll just see. i may try to sleep now. tomorrow i may just read and clean up a little around the house to distract myself. i think it could be a good thing. goodnight everyone.