this week... i'm tellin you. so now i'm pretty sure i have a sinus infection. i'm going to the health services tomorrow if i can. maybe i'll go in between marketing and dr. maaaans' class just so i can be late and piss her off. slightly vindictive, i realize, but i am feeling really hateful right now. i keep getting these chills that won't go away and have just finished my 4th shower of the day. i'm also really dehydrated - fevers and diabetes are not to be mixed. i'm achy and my stomach feels really crampy and not good.

all that being said, i have a lot of work to get through for this week. and boy am i excited about that! GET ME THE HELL OUTTA ASHEVILLE!!! please.... i'm sooo sick of this place right now. not my friends or anything, but just this dorm, these classes. same shit everyday. i just want to be home in my big bed and see my family and my friends at home. and just relax.

i do get to talk to my counselor here on friday and i'm glad that's coming up. because all this shit is cyclical and i'm feeling it come back around and i'm really scared about a lot of things and they come in and out of my mind and keep me constantly on the verge of tears. i started crying on the phone with my dad tonight out of frustration. i'm just so tired of this existence. i feel like my life has escaped me somehow and i'm stuck in the mundane bullshit grind of the day to day.

now i have to do a topic of the week (kill. my. soul.) for dr. maaannns' class which i love so dearly. who knew that i'd be the lucky one to learn all about databases and software in such an amazing class!? what a joke.

i'm not amused.

listening to: "bring me some water" - melissa etheridge & joan osborne
(marshall and jen, you'd be proud right now ;)

these days of feeling defeated and frustrated are coming way too close together recently.

i was able to take the art history exam in the other section and the teacher was very nice about the whole thing, which was a huge relief. actual test content-wise i have mixed feelings about the test. but we'll see. it's just a lot of things to remember for an art history exam, and my memory is very bad.

before that, however, i had my marketing class, which is usually my favorite one, but today that was not the case. we got our tests back from friday, and i made either a B- or a C+ (depending on the curve that is to be determined), and i'm frustrated about that, because i felt like i did really well on it. and i want to do really well in the class. when i walked in he asked to speak with me after class and i was like, "fuck, what else have i done wrong today?" when we went over the test he handed back our essays and said that he extremely rarely gives full credit, and took a really self-righteous stance on the whole thing which was severely obnoxious to me. i asked him if he could write on our essays what it was that kept us from getting the full credit, but he said that was asking a lot of him since he has 90 papers to read. i made a face like "so the fuck what" and he laughed nervously and said he just wasn't prepared to do that. after class he said he needed to talk to me because i was always late to class. first of all, and this may be picky, but i am not always late. and when i am it's a matter of a few minutes at the most. i just told him i was having a really bad day and if the conversation could wait that would be better. he said it was, so we'll see. i was ready for a fight though.

after my art history test that went slightly into dr. maaannnns class, i realized that i had forgotten to write down a small assignment she gave on wed, and that i was the only one. she also had to comment on how i am always late. and i got her test back and i didn't do as well as i'd hoped there either. there's something just very defensive about her that really makes it difficult for me to like her at all.

it's just really been very difficult to hold everything together to any degree recently, and it just feels like everyone should just make a list of things i'm doing that they don't like to give for me to review so i can be a completely different person than i am at the moment. whatever i can do to help... you know?

i would just really like for some of thesee people to give me a fucking break. ahem.

listening to: "melancholy melody" - esthero

this is not a good way to start the week.

i set my alarm for 10:00 PM instead of 10:00 AM this morning and woke up during my first art history exam. i emailed my professor to see if i can take it during her later section today, but i'm not sure how that works. and to be honest i did not study enough for it, so it may be a sad reflection of me even if she allows me to take it.

i'm very disappointed in myself. i pretty much have done this every semester i've been in college. well i'm not sure about that, but the point is, this is not a sad first. it's a very very saddest repeat occurrance.

keep your fingers, legs and eyes crossed for me as much as you can. thanks.

it's been a very fun weekend so far, which i am so happy about because this past week was hella rough. tuesday was my physics exam, wednesday was dr. maaannns' exam, thursday was econ hw day, and friday was my marketing exam.



this weekend i've gotten to spend time with my friends, whom i love very much. we went to a house party last night which was really fun. i haven't been to many parties with them, and it was definitely a good thing.

today i got to have lunch with marshall's family and friends, who are all so nice. and it was a beautiful day today! next i finally saw the vagina monologues, which i have been meaning to do ever since i saw the hbo one with maren during our menopause with ice creams and champagne. it was very good. then marshall took us to pet supermarket to visit her future fire-bellied toad pet, enkidu. that was very fun to see all the animals, even if i would be uneasy around pretty much all of them. i really do miss my cat, though, and it made me think of him. after that we had dinner in the caf.

so i'm in my room and waiting to do something later on tonight. i think i'm going to make my art history flash cards for our exam while i wait and listen to music and maybe make some coffee.

i'm very content, which is such a welcome feeling.

listening to: jill scott - "golden (grant nelson mix)"

so i was 35 minutes late to my econ class. ouch. and why on earth am i in a class where we are taking natural logrithms to find answers only to hear that "it gets much more complicated..?" i definitely cried a little bit in class when he said that.




actual tears.




now i'm going back to bed until lunchtime. maybe i'll wake up smarter...

i just finished my 6 problem-managerial finance homework. i started at 1 am and it is now almost 5:30. i really must learn not to wait til the last minute. it's difficult to break an almost 25-year habit, though.

that being said, i do not want to hear anymore about external funds needed until 9:25 when i have that 75-minute class. things could get very ugly.

bed til then.

frustration.

what a shitty day.

1) i woke up feeling ridiculously tired, and felt that econ 306 would be especially torturous so i slept in.
2) i had lunch with jen and marshall, which was nice.
3) physics test which i'm sure i did not do well on.
4) calling medtronic about insurance charges and returning products that were sent to me that i do not use, which cost me - broke bitch - $30 to mail with certification and insurance.
5) called barnes and noble asheville about the transfer and once again those bitches said they had not received the faxes that my manager from durham told me she sent. the result of this process taking so long is that now i can not transfer even if they were onpoint because it's been too long, so i would now have to re-apply and be re-hired.
6) went to the grocery store to get plastic spoons and coffee creamer and locked my keys in my car where i had been sitting dealing with #5 above.
7) waiting in the cold for 20 mins for the locksmith to come; 10 additional mins for him to get in my car; embarassing loud as hell car alarm that i do not know how to turn off, so it took me several tries. now i'm down an additional $40.
8) back in my room to study for dr. maaannns test tomorrow that i do not have a good feeling about.
9) have to refill a perscription that will cost me $50.

i feel defeated and hateful.

so you'll never guess who's running behind this morning...

today's proceedings:
1) finish my art history assignment

2) art history class
3) lunch
4) marketing class
5) short break to skim through articles for IT class
6) IT class with dr. maaaannns
7) dinner
8) who knows... anything could happen on the vd hump day.



so i'm watchin my back. my momma din't raise no fool.

seeing josh cheered me up today a lot. it has been way too long. and this was the perfect day for that to happen because i was having a hard time today. so i don't feel like i need to hide anymore... drama diffused... now we just have to bring extend-retract back and we'll be ready for anything!

listening to: madonna - live to tell (live) ---> the confessions tour musta been the shit because the videos i've seen are amazing.

i just want to hide today.

listening to: esthero - that girl
"...one of these things just doesn't belong here..."

it continues...

today's proceedings will commence in the following fashion:
1) get some reading/work done before class
2) art history in that room that gives me panic attacks. i will hurt someone if i don't get the seat close to the door. be warned.
3) lunch with my friends
4) marketing class
5) short break to finish paper for mgmt 386
6) dr. maaaanns very professional class.
7) getting some mo shit done

listening to: basement jaxx - "hush boy"

sadly not even nearly as onpoint as i shoulda been (at least not so far). but that's all about to change.

cpp1.1:
1) make a bazillion phone calls that i have piled up:
-b&n avl/dur to get my transfer on
-financial aid to get my pin, because you know i can't remember that bullshit from semester to semester!
-counseling center (see earlier entries.. *scared face*)
-minimed (i definitely am returning a week and 1/2 old phone call - oops)
-nccu/ncsu about summer courses
2) readings to catch upon from my classes will be completed by monday
3) topic 1 assignment for MAAAANNS class & 2nd hw for managerial finance class (i know, i'm making the same face. trust)

*i have made all the phone calls/left the appropriate messages/emails and am caught up to that point. readings and assignments will take place in a hot sec and after dinner.

...off to a rocky start but recovering nicely. onpointness is surely ahead.

listening to: bryan gerard feat. alexia - higher ground (b's original afro mix)

i choose to blame ali for me having to take the time to find this out, but here you have it.

Your results:
You are Catwoman

Catwoman 65% Green Lantern 65% Spider-Man 60% Hulk 60% Iron Man 55% The Flash 50% Wonder Woman 48% Batman 40% Robin 33% Superman 30% Supergirl 28%

You have had a tough childhood, you know how to be a thief and exploit others but you stand up for society's cast-offs.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...


just glad i wasn't superman or something really fucking boring like that.

oh and in another post we'll talk about how i'm already on cpp1.1 because i'm just nowhere near that onpoint. but i don't feel like doing that right now because on a related note, i'm lazy. shock-ER.

robin used to call it the cpp. capable person plan. not sure if i'm in that strata yet, but let's go with it and see how well i do.

day one: monday. brisk weather. windy. cold. uninviting. but i'ma wrap up like a refugee and kick this monday's ass and take names. it will go down as follows:

1) art history. god i hope this woman will be more exciting today!
2) then lunch.
3) marketing class to discuss superbowl ads the whole time probably.
4) short break.
5) inforamtion technologies class qith dr. manns.
6) then working on things to not be so far behind.



gotta love mondays. plus it's cold and i want to sleep. but i'm gonna try to be productive today. details of how well that goes will follow.

any questions? thought so. haha

listening to: talib kweli & hi-tek feat. les nubians - "love language"

"the saturday of lots to do" has ended in the following fashion: i slept almost all day, then had dinner with my friends, and at this point things were pretty sad really as far as saturdays go.

but i had a lovely outing with marshall - whom i love dearly - after that and got some things together for myself, i think. i have a lot of things to do. i'm behind already with my work, and i have to watch the fucking super bowl for my marketing class - blech! - but i think things are feeling a bit more manageable. maybe it's all late night post-drinking delerium, but somehow i don't think so.

just felt i should post things from an optimistic slant once in awhile to keep everyone guessing. but i hope it turns out to be true.

listening to: everything but the girl - "before today"
"my heart is that much harder now.
that’s what i thought before today.
my heart is that much harder now.
and i thought that it would stay that way,
before today"