i just got a very early call (like 9ish haha) to inform me that i have a new job at the banana waiting for me. i was unable to get this message in person because i did not recognize the number and i'm a call screener from way back. but i'm so excited! i'ma call them back momentarily to confirm it. however the previous post still stands until further notice, and that individual is being put on official sketch-watch until (hopefully) evidence clears him of such charges.

hearing: onda - "deeper love"

yesterday was definitely one of the worst ever. i don't really want to get into it a lot, because it go on for a long time, but the brief version is that i disappointed my dad very much over something pretty small, but also fairly easy for me to have done right. afterwards he said some very hurtful things, which he's apologized for already, but that really fucked me up. the things he said were judgments i have of myself that are very difficult to live with, but that i thought were at least not shared by my parent(s). i'm not sure if he meant them, or if he was simply angry, but it put a lot of doubt in my mind. after that i felt pretty defeated and not really up to much, but i had my follow up interview at banana shortly after. i had already been warned about this guy from my friend and from the lady that interviewed me the previous day. she really liked me and told jody that, which i thought was very encouraging, but i'm not sure if it was just what happened earlier or what but the second interview did not go well, i don't think. he was a complete dick, and just on some hyper-masculine type shit combined with short people syndrome, and i tried to win him over but it's very hard to say how well that went. i am worried, though. i could always find something else, yes, but it just felt very defeating for me, especially after what happened earlier. all i did after that was sleep. i slept for hours and woke up around 9 at night to have some cereal and see everyone at home. now of course i can't sleep, but truthfully it's ok, because late at night i won't really have anything to deal with and can be alone to think or whatever.

i sure hope things work out. i'm becoming increasingly tired with settling for things. i'm not underqualified for these bullshit jobs, and i am feeling some type of way about possibly being snubbed by this dick. we'll just see. i may try to sleep now. tomorrow i may just read and clean up a little around the house to distract myself. i think it could be a good thing. goodnight everyone.

music/inspirations of the moment (in video form, so it won't get stuck in your head, unless you want it to...robin ;)...this entry's a bit long, but oh well.

bjork. declare independence.


tori amos. almost rosey.


rufus wainwright. going to a town.

....the previous three because they are all included in my all-time favorite artists, who apparently have conspired to release music at the same time, making it very difficult to acquire at the moment..haha.

saul williams w/ dj krust. coded language.


saul williams. black stacey.

....fairly new to his stuff, but i'm really loving the spoken word thing right now.

bassnectar. bomb the blocks.

....new from om records. video is slightly creepy, but the song is hella cool.

madonna. jump (axwell mix).

....a bit old, i know, but i have always loved this mix the best.

tracey thorn. raise the roof.

....because it's not all so serious and intense - and this video is the sweetest. not my very favorite track on her cd, but really you can't go wrong.

and as always...

Esthero - Musical Revolution

things have continued to be pretty much as they started. which means it's been really chill bordering on supremely boring. i'm so broke. i hope i will hear from barnes and noble early this week, because even if they're really on top of it i wouldn't start working til just after the start of june because of scheduling. it's very discouraging. i really should get a real job of some sort, but i don't have a resume or any of that stuff, and it really shouldn't be so hard to get a stupid retail job for the summer. i mean honestly. i sorta kinda started exercising a bit, and am trying to keep up the idea that as long as i'm doing something it's good rather than focusing on how much whatever i am doing hasn't changed the way i look yet. we'll see how that goes. i haven't really even heard from anyone since i've been back, which has made me feel a little sad. maybe everyone but me is busy. i'm feeling kind of depressed about being at home all the time, though, and gas is so expensive that i feel bad if i just leave to drive somewhere i really don't need to go, and i'm trying to be thrifty being so poor and all. i can't bring myself to ask my parents for money right now, because i feel like it will obligate me to talk about my plans for the summer, which i really don't have, because i'm hoping (in an admittedly lazy way) that things just fall into some semblance of order. on one hand though i'm trying to remind myself to enjoy the down time, because when things are so busy all i want is that time, and now that things are not i want it to be busy again. today i sat out of church and realized that by going only a couple times i have set a precedent that i am willing to go every week. i will need to kill that idea with a quickness, though. i don't want to start a controversy but at some point i may just have to say in a nice way that i don't believe in all that. i'm dreading that conversation though. i won't deny it. what am i going to do today? it sorta feels like sundays when i was a kid; where it was kind of a waste of day because it just felt so depressing that you didn't really ever do anything. i could read or something maybe. i like to do that in the summer when i don't have all kinds of boring bullshit to read. or i could watch a movie. i rented angels in america and frida from the library, but they feel kind of heavy for the middle of the day. i don't know what my family is doing but from being here all the time i notice that i'm getting a little bit easily annoyed with people, and i feel badly about that, so i might need either to get out or just have some refreshing alone time, whatever that means (which i don't know at the moment). i got my grades back and i did a lot better than i thought i would, which was a big relief. i got an A- in art history, B- in marketing, C in finance, and a D in physics (which i already knew about). i was actually worried i might get down to a really bad gpa but i'm still over a 2.5 which i'm ok with. could be better, but also could be way worse. this is the ramblingest entry ever. i hope things start to work themselves int o a comfortable way for the summer. i don't want the whole summer to be about doubting and worrying over things. but then again, it is me after all. something will work out.

so school is out and i'm back home. i'm feeling kind of relieved, but also kind of lost. i have pretty much been asleep since i got back home.

today is mothers day and i can't think of all the things i would like to do for my mom, but also i'm a bit on the poor side, so it's hard to negotiate all that. i'm gonna go out early this morning and get her some fresh flowers, and hopefully be back before she wakes up so i can set them up for her to see when she wakes up. i'm also - i fear - locked into going to church with my family to keep things pleasant between all of us. i feel like ultimately they wouldn't say anything if i chose not to go, but it would be uncomfortable. but i hate going to church so much. all that christian nonsense makes me so uncomfortable. and it's so long and you're sitting your ass on some bench seats like at a picnic and listening to some crazyface preacher go on and on about some shit. but i think i'ma go to keep things nice.

since i slept all day pretty much i was wide awake tonight long after everyone else was gone. so what did i do? i watched the golden child on alluc.org. haha. i loved that movie as a kid! it's so crazy as all 80s movies tended to be. and now it's like 4:45 and i have to be up early to get the things for mothers day before i have to be ready for church. so i don't know what to do. i guess i will have to sleep some. if i don't i may be hella cranky later on if i have been awake all kinds of long hours.

i've got so much on my mind and so much to figure out. first thing monday i need to figure out where i'm gonna be working. my position at cameron's is not really available, so i think i'm going to try to get my job back at barnes and noble. i'm not sure just how well that will work out, but i have high hopes. i could also try fosters, though, i'm not sure i should work there, because i'm going to try to get into shape. and that could be very counterproductive. but i liked working there a lot, and it was really chill, so it could be fun, who knows. if those things son't work out, i might take jody up on his offer to put in a good word for me at banana republic, although i'm a little nervous about working somewhere like that again. i just don't feel like dressing up and being crazyretailface all over again. i wish this was not always so hard, but maybe i'm making it out to be worse than it will be. things might just fall into place.

blah blah blah right? anyway i should probably go to bed. i miss my friends from school already! but i can't wait to see my friends here! i hope this is a great summer. i sure need a break.

music: esthero - gone

today is the worst of pressure and craziness.

i'm still working on that damn paper. it's coming but too slowly to suit me. plus i have a managerial finance exam at 8AM that i have no idea how to study for the best way. i'm scared i will not do well. then i have a physics exam at 11:30. i'm less worried about that one than finance, but well let's just say it's all relative.

i'm a delerious zombie at this point, and so i decided i would drink a pot of coffee to gear me up. but guess what happened? or what i did, rather... i broke my coffeepot. :( i'm so sad right now. and so tired. it's a good thing jordanna gave me some hot tea the other day. and if that doesn't work i may be going to ingles to buy some expresso shots or vivarin tablets or something. desperate times... but it's all over tomorrow, and that thought will get me through no matter what. i'm determined.

listening to: rae & christian feat. pharcyde - "let it go"

the end of the semester is near. it wouldn't be right without all kinds of craziness, though, and so it has been. crazy-almost car drama, ending "friendships", finals stacked on top of one another, and my favorite at the moment: term project/paper i've had all semester that i'm just starting tonight...and yes it is due tomorrow.

so that's where i'm at. i'm trying to get this project/paper done for my marketing class at the moment. i have 18 books to sort through as well as my textbook and websites, so it shouldn't be hard but well it just is. i'm feeling like i just don't have to perseverance to get it done for tomorrow, though. no surprise. i have a final in that class, as well, and it counts for 25% of our grade and the project is 15%. my test grades so far have been ok, so i think maybe one day of lateness could not kill me. plus theoretically it will give me time to study more for the final, which is at 11:30.

i have two more exams after that, though. managerial finance and physics both on thursday, and i have got to study for those 2 because they are my most challenging classes. plus then i have to be out of the dorms by like 9AM on friday. that means packing and cleaning up here, too. so i don't really have the time to drag this paper out, but even just a little bit would help, i'm thinking.

i feel like i need a vacation or something. things have been so heavy lately, that i can't seem to focus on anything. i've never really been in this position i'm in with respect to ending a friendship. it got to be very ugly and i fully intended to talk it through with them, but events unfolded that left me really hurt and angry and so i ended it hastily and angrily instead. in some kind of cosmic court or whatever i'm fully prepared to answer for that, but aside from that i really don't care. it's a relief and a huge burden at the smae time the way things have played out. i just need some time and distance from it to come back next semester completely numb and seperated from it altogether. but i have to get through this semester first. hmm.

besides all of that, even, i have to find a job when i get home. my job at cameron's is not really open at this point, so i'm going to try to get back on at barnes and noble or fosters or something. if neither of those work out, it may become a situation like last summer was, which is not a prospect i'm enjoying. so i hope at least one of those will come through.

my motivation is once again misplaced. happens way too often. i'm having a hard time picturing myself even getting this paper done with extra time. i have a really strong aversion to it at the moment that i don't see myself shaking. so i'm thinking i'll be more successful at studying for my finals first. this could be really wrong. it's hard to say at this juncture, but things are not working out as is. in the meanwhile i've made myself practically ill because of coffee consumption to keep from sleeping. i just don't have the energy for this stuff right now, and sleep is a much more attractive prospect. well either that or wasting time writing blog entries.. haha.

somewhere along the way i became a person who doesn't care about grades as much as i used to. i'm so through with school and i really don't like my major, and would love to change it to something completely impractical, but i'm so far in that that seems really dumb to do. so i'm stuck, and basically that means forcing myself through it. trouble is, look how great i am at that... yikes. i am so disconnected from my life right now, and my choices. i feel locked into everything, and a part of me is stuggling to rebel against it. unsuccessfully, i must add, but enough to affect my performance at school, which is troublesome. i just don't know where i fit into these situations and these categories and these choices i've built myself into.

but instead of contemplating these issues i really should work on something. just thought i should update the blog on the goings on of my life. wish me luck, please, whoever you are. and if you see my motivation please tell it is is truly missed and needed here. thanks in advance.

listening to:
diana ross and the supremes - my world is empty without you (tranzition mix)

...embarassing i know, but it came on randomly on my itunes, and at least i'm honest if nothing else. haha.

"at first I wrote it "dear you," then it turned,
"to whom it may concern."
i began it in this way because
i needed to express through these words,
how deeply i was hurt,
and how distant from you i now was.
i wrote "normally i would say
these words to your face,
but this time that i just can't do...

this is my goodbye."

i have had a very difficult time here recently. as is usually the case at the end of the semester. i feel unable to focus on anything. and i really want to do well on my finals and as well as i can in my classes. i felt sick all day today for no reason and i've been so lost and so scattered that i completely forgot about my counseling appointment on the 2nd. i didn't remember it at all until the middle of the day today. and that would've really helped me right now, i think. and who does that? i've forgotten things a lot, but to not remember until the next day is really bad.

but that is just the thing. i'm so tired of trying to be the good student, the good friend, the good person, and it is never enough. i always come up short either for myself or for someone else. and it's gotten so tiresome and i just feel like giving up. there are several things on my mind and some of them that have been worrying me almost constantly that i think i'm ready to give up on. and i feel badly about that, but at some point enough is enough, truly. and i've made it through these things before, i'll just have to do it again. i feel like i don't even know what i want anymore or what i should do. it's a constant compromise of myself, and i'm not even fully aware when i'm doing it anymore really. and yes this is dramatic but it's late and it's my journal, so it's to be expected.

i am looking so forward to being back home. this place has gotten to be a place where i am always feeling uneasy and uncertain of myself, and i don't like feeling like that. i wanted that to be different also, but nothing seems to be working out as i'd hoped, so i really should stop being surprised by the disappointments.

in the meanwhile i'll be studying for my art history exam that's at 11:30. at least the one exam i feel the most sure of is the first one. i can be glad about that. but it's a lot of memorizing, so you know my forgetful ass better hop on that quick. also it is definitely almost 4:30 in the morning. i'm living the 3rd shift life, which is never a good sign.