tonight was by far the worst night yet. i'm feeling more and more lost and i need to do something to get out of this. icried for hours straight til my desk was soaked and i was physically exhausted from it. i'm going to try and sleep and wake up refreshed in some way. i just don't don't know where to start and i feel very alone in it, because i have kept so many secrets for so long. yet even opening up to someone doesn't save you from your own demons, and that i have to definitely learn the hard way. therre is a constant state of panic right now and i just need to find a way to work through it and keep things going as they should until things get better.

listening to: sade - "i never thought i'd see the day"

*SNOW!!*

let's hope there is some kind of change in the schedule because of it, because you know my ass is not trudging through that bullshit to go to class.

today was not much better. there is a lot of unresolved business that is weighing on my mind. it's just made me really tired and kind of dead to the world. i haven't gotten any work done or spent any time with my friends hardly. something's really gotta give. i know what that something is, but it's difficult to let go sometimes. but i'm going to do it in the best way i can. right now i'm gonna go back to sleep.

listening to: rae & christian feat. lisa shaw - "should have known"
"it's a pleasure to know you.
it's so sweet that you know too.
darling we've become so precious.
i might've told you all my secrets, but you'll never know the deepest
as warm as we can be there's no peace of mind."

i am really worried about a lot of things. this really isn't a private enough place to talk about them. but whoever is reading this it's likely that you would care, and i appreciate that.

tonight i had to make a very uncomfortable decision, which hurt someone. and i was fair and tried as hard as i could not to hurt that person to as much extent as i could seeing that i couldn't give in the way they needed. in doing so i believe i may've created an barrier that we can't cross.

in many ways it feels like a personal defeat to me. i wanted to believe in the chance of something more, but part of me doesn't really believe i can do it, and the other part is mad when someone is perceptive enough to mention it. but i really was trying the very most i could, and on that point i am unwaivering.

why am i writing this in a journal instead of talking to this person? because i have nothing more to say. it's all the same things with many different faces. it's sad when you realize things like this about yourself.

listening to: amel larrieux - "weary"
Weary

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cryptic post number 2 with a stolen quote (thanks jody)

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you from the inside out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
- Neil Gaiman

...explanations will follow once i've some time to put things together

that was not a good way to start the new year. i will reflect on it more once i return to the land of the living. right now i am drunken death warmed over, and not even my bed is a good place to be right now. just have to keep drinking that watra. "health health health, darling!"

some serious relfection of the new years' after a message from your sponsor, asleep.