i found this video on you tube from def poetry jam, and ms. badu is too hot on here. sad to say that i hadn't heard this before, but it's her part on this song "liberation" by outkast from back in the day. got me feeling kind of creative like some shit could change for the better, so i'ma put it up hopefully to inspire some mo people. enjoy.



now you know that was hot, right?

it's just after 8 AM and i'm up. it's ok because i have class at 9:25, but it felt important to note.

had a fantastic time last night with chad. we went to usual suspects and had some drinks and talked for a few hours. it was really nice to get away from everything and just laugh. that sounds way like i'm in an institution or something, and i've been let out on my free day, but it was not meant that way.

i had a tiny bit of work i was supposed to do for my class this morning but it didn't really get done, because i am always in favor of sleep rather than work. surprised? you shouldn't be. who are you and where did you come in? hahaha. but it's not a big deal. it's not a turned in thing or anything.

meanwhile it is scary crunch time (god i hate that expression) on the school front. physics is gonna be the worst. i have so much to work on for it. i'm devising a plan of action though. and truthfully, if everything doesn't get done, my life will continue. i've been less than extraordinary before, and i'm ok with it. but i'd like to get as much of it done as i can. which may possibly mean that i might randomly mention physics stuff if i'm in your presence. don't take it personally, and know that i'm ok behind all of it. it's a temporary insanity of sorts. in addition to that i have to start (oh yes i said start) on my marketing research project. i'm doing diesel jeans so it'll be fun, except my teacher is a hella cranky old man and who knows if my paper will be good enough for him. we'll just have to see. it's a shame because i was hoping that would be my favorite class but circumstances have unfolded otherwise to say the very least. need to start studying for my art history exam and making notecards as well. and that leaves finance class. i have no idea what all kinda miracles need to aid me in doing well in that class. our exam is cumulative essentially, so i need to turn back time cyndi lauper style and basically have a second round of classes to understand everything. i hope it'll be ok. as long as i get a C i'm gonna be thrilled. it's a whole class about being smart with money... if there were ever a class further from my nature i have not heard of it. who knows... but that being said if you happen upon my angel of mercy, please direct him or her to me with a quickness.

i'm feeling very confused and disillusioned about school and my life in a lot of ways right now, and can rest comfortably in the fact that i will make probably the wrong decisions in dealing with it all. more and more it all feels like a mistake to be in this degree, but even with this one that i've stuck with for a long time now i have 3 more semesters, which will make a total of 5 as a senior! that is ungodly! so changing it again is absolutely out of the question. i'm just feeling restless and it's making everything feel like a monumental pain in my ass.

this summer better be good. because this school year has been rough. there have been many good parts, too, but i'm ready for a much deserved break. also i really need to start going to the gym or something, because i'm feeling some type of way about all that right now. and most likely anything would help some, even if i will never look like i would like to look.

there's so many things to think about and to take on. there need to be like 3 or 4 of me to work all this out. however it's just me. so things are probably not gonna go down exactly as planned, and all i can say about that at this stage in the game is "so what?" slightly apathetic, i realize but what am i supposed to do? i mean i'd like to sleep ALL DAY today but i'm awake and going to finance class which is so long and painful, especially at this hour, and have a plan of action for getting things done this week. i feel that's all that can be asked of me, and anyone that has a problem with that can take their proper place at the back of the complaint line, and i will get to you when i feel like it. but that person is most likely me, so we'll see how i continue to work that problem out.

all that said, and since i cashed in my free day from the institution already this week, a bitch needs to get ready for class (scared face).

and in the spirit of confession and honesty, i have been slightly obsessed with this song in a closeted fashion, so i think it's fair that i should put it out there. it's fun, just remember that, and yeah, here it is:

Conceited

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on that note, i'ma go.

erkah badu. didn't cha know.

"... i'm trying to decide
which way to go
i think i made a wrong turn back there somewhere...
...time to save the world
where in the world is all the time
so many things i still don't know
so many times i've changed my mind
guess i was born to make mistakes
but i ain't scared to take the weight
so when i stumble off the path
i know my heart will guide me back...
... free your mind and find your way
there will be a brighter day."

still teetering on crazy. i fell asleep around 6 last night and slept til 4 something this morning. and now i'm fairly awake, but what the hell do you do this early in the morning? i took a shower and ate some cereal, but it's still hella early. so i'm actually debating lying back down. how much sleep does a person need?! clearly not this much.

i want to get an early start today, because i have to finish/start (depending on your perspective) my art history paper. and i have class essentially from 11:25-2:30 and then have a counseling appointment in the afternoon. so that doesn't leave much time for a paper that has to be turned in by 6.

my heart just isn't in this at all. i actually feel weak and physically tired even thinking about these things. i'm so tired of my life being like this. i don't even know what else to write. it's hard to explain, but i'm feeling like nothing is a good move on my part at this time of day and this point. none of it is making any sense, and my mind is all over the place. really not a good look at all.

listening to: esthero - "dragonfly's outro"

my mind is anywhere but at school, in class right now. i don't know what's going on. i'm feeling really disconnected from my life lately. and that can be a problem. i have all this work to do, and it's getting done for the most part, but at the very lastest of moments. it's really a bad look.

my mind is preoccupied with all kinds of shit, and it's just really difficult to prioritize my time and push those things out of the way to get things done. i'm really not sure what it is that would help the most. it's both a blessing and a curse that the semester is almost over. i really need to get everything taken care of for summer school. i will do it tomorrow. that is a standing promise to myself. let's all hope i keep it, cause who i'ma be mad at if i don't, riight. that's not cute.

it's so childish to want to run away from your problems or to just consistently try to do anything to take your mind off them. ever heard of dealing with them? yes in fact i have and i'm trying but i'm conflicted on it. sometimes it seems like it's really about one thing and then that changes. which probably only really means i'm truly fucked. lol. not really but that is not helpful to dealing with it all. i have a counseling appointment on wednesday but dear lord where do i even start? who knows. it feels pretty hopeless pretty much all the time.

all the people that talk about how everyday is a fresh start baffle me. today is nothing but a continuation of my life up until this point and let me tell you it is anything but fresh. i am constantly reliving past mistakes and picking up the pieces and i feel like i'm not getting anywhere at this point. but then, where would i have myself go if i were able? i don't know. it makes you cross-eyed even to think in circles like this, much less live your life in that way. there have been a lot of good things happening recently as well, but they are continually dwarfed by my incessant worrying and inability to get out of my head.

i wish i could really feel like i was making a clean break with all my problems and just move on to bigger and better things in my life, but damn it's hard to do that, isn't it? i'm sure dr. phil or some of those crackpots would say no, but i just find all of that self help speak to be a little more than sickening at best. at the very least i think these people are living in deep denial of all that is truly wrong in their lives.

that's really not fair, but that is what i would be doing if i just decided - poof - there go my problems and all my shit, bring on my life. so the large lesson it seems is that there is some balance i need to find between those two. if i could just get that part right, maybe some things would turn around.

thanks for listening, whoever you are. it is good just to get things out somehow, even for a moment. i'm feeling really tired and that a short nap is in order. then i have to pick up a perscription. i want to see some poeple tonight, also. as far as work i have to finish my art history paper tomorrow, so i should work on it some tonight. also some finance problems to do. all very doable, as long as you're not being bombarded with craziness and consequently are unable to focus. let's just hope that will not be the case. it be good to be that person that gets things done at least once in awhile, if only to keep things interesting.

listening to: kate havnevik - "unlike me"

sade. king of sorrow.

so i fell asleep in the middle of the afternoon after physics (not during, for once haha) and slept til just now, which is almost 5AM! who does that?! seriously. and i'm really hungry :( i have some cereal and some things for sanguishes, but i don't know what i'ma do. poor erik. i'm doing some crazy shit recently, and he never wakes me up, which must mean he is tiptoe-ing around all the time, even though he is really quiet anyway. my mind is racing right now. it's really fucking wierd.

just thought i should document this craziness.

this past weekend was quite nice. i left school on thursday evening (at a reasonable time, no less) so i could have a long weekend.

but then on friday i was so tired from staying up all night on wed for finance hw that i didn't do anything except sleep all damn day long! i was a little sad about that part, because i was planning to go to the art museum that day for my art history class, and also to check in at central about my accounting class for summer school. friday night i got my hair did and then i saw craig and jon and had some coffee with them, then had indian food with my parents.

on saturday i woke up late once again. who is surprised anymore? then i went to the art museum in the afternoon. it was really fantastic. my favorite exhibit was this one.

i still haven't decided which piece to do, because so many of them were really compelling and fascinating to me. things like this make me feel really sad that i do not do art anymore. i feel kind of empty and inauthentic with respect to my ideas right now, and it doesn't feel important to document them. but whatever, i have all these cool pieces to choose from, and i'm wicked excited to be doing some work at school that i care about. it's very refreshing after finance and business and the blah blah blah that i have to deal with otherwise that is so souless. later on i met craig and jon and jody and we went to mama fu's for dinner, where i was teased the whole time for being wimpy about spicy food. i thought it was hot :( then i broke down laughing on the way back while on the phone with la jessica. chupa is still not here. she is taking her time. (it could be a boy, but we refer to errybody as she, so you know..) after that i made it a relatively early night.

then - and you'll never believe this! - i went to church with my family for easter sunday. i knew it would be important to them. i usually duck out with some excuse or another, but i felt that i should be there with them. recently i've felt really at home with my family, and it's nice to be with them, whatever that means. it was surreal. a lot of what the preacher talked about really applied to me, especially when he was talking about feeling like your life has no purpose. but i don't buy any of that died for our sins stuff. i've fucked up relentlessly in my life, and the main thing is to forgive yourself and hope that otherrs will be able to also. it just seems so surfacey to just have to pray and ask that it be forgiven and poof it is. but that's just my feeling on the issue. there were good parts admittedly, and also points where i thought i would laugh and be shut out in a very unforgiving fashion. then we had luch at my grandparents'. it was really nice to see everyone. i fell asleep shortly after lunch though. then we went home and i finished packing and watched the jerk with my parents and had pizza. we watched part of napolean dynamite but my parents were obviously not feeling it as much as i was. then i went to jody's new place before he, angie, craig, daniel, and i went out to gaytini night. i had a great time with everyone, even if i didn't dance as much as last time.

then i woke up at 6 am to drive back to asheville. i don't know why but driving back in the morning is so depressing. i can't put my finger on why it's worse but it is. i always feel sad or depressed.

that brings me to this week, which has been really bad. on monday i didn't make it to art history in the morning, because i chose to have lunch with jen and kenny, which i don't regret at all, but then i went to my room and the rationalization of why not to go to marketing crept in alowly and i decided against going to it, largely because i didn't want to get our test back that i took last week when i was so sickly. but i decided i would go to my art history class's afternoon section. but guess what? i slept though alladat. yeah. then i picked up dinner and hung out with marshall for a hot sec. then chris and kenny and mark and i watched some QAF. i came down to my room afterwards and finished my finance hw and changed the songs on my mp3 palyers on here and myspace, then realized it was morning out, so i stayed up and watched boondocks on AllUC. i didn't feel well so i decided i would go to my afternoon section of finance after physics, but surprise surprise! i didn't make it to either! so i will get a zero on my finance hw that i actually did! and on my physics attendance quiz.

i'm feeling pretty much like a huge fuckup. but the truth is i feel so completely lost here, and i just find myself feeling really disheartened by it and my sleep is all kinds of fucked. everything is a mess. and i know it doesn't have to be, and also that i'm probably blowing it out of proportion, because i'm so critical, but goddamn. i just want the hell out of here. there's so much left to do before the end of the semester, too! it feels very daunting. my heart is most certainly not in it. i don't know if it's in anything, really, but it sure as hell ain't this.

tried to unwind tonight and have a nice dinner in my room. i watched some curb your enthusiasm (have i mentioned how much i love ALLUC?) and that made me laugh a lot, but now i can't decide if i should stay up and do some work or just go to bed. i know the sensible answer is to go to bed, so i might have some hope of getting on top of some shit, but i'm not sure i can just lie there right now, because my mind is racing and that will make me completely insane.

i really hope tomorrow is the turning point for the week. i've got to get things in order.

skye. what's wrong with me.

inspired by marshall's. this is kinda cool.

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so i got the results i had been waiting on for 3 weeks, and all is well. i'm very relieved. i'm going home this afternoon, which i'm really excited about, but i'm sorta tired and not feeling especially up to the drive at the moment, so it felt like the right thing to do to post some thoughts. i have a busy weekend ahead of me, but i feel pretty up to it actually. i don't actually have that much to say right now.

something that needs to be said, though, is that the person mentioned before that i was feeling some type of way about and i have since worked things out, and even though i don't delete things i've already written, i can confidently say that my bad feelings about that situation are gone.

i may take a very short nap. sorry this is so random but and hour and fifteen minutes of boring physics will do that to a person.

so i'm awake and have been since 6, and have looked over my required courses for my major, and have not come up with very much. i got up early to make sure i would have time enough to figure out my classes, but my advisor will just have to work that out, because i have no idea. the list of things left simply in my major is retardedly long, and i'm very angry at the thought of being in school that much longer. i need to figure out taking accounting this summer at central. i have part of the money already, but still more to go.

i did end up sleeping after i finished my earlier entries and watched curb your enthusiasm around 8. i slept straight through to 6. i wish i could sleep all day. tuesdays and thursdays tend to be exercises in highlighting just how much i don't know, which can be very difficult for me. i am going to talk to my finance teacher today and find out his other section so i can start going. i really think it will help.

listening to: les nubians - "saravah" (very quietly on my headphones to not wake up my roomate, who does not have these crazy hours like i do)

sidenote from a previous post:
i got my pink pirate shirt and i fucking love it! i most definitely have been wearing that bitch out like no other. pictures will be taken soon. just thought i should be clear on some shit.

this past weekend was fun. i got to spend some time with jordanna and robert and chad, which was really needed. we went to smokey's on saturday night and had a few drinks and some good conversation, which is what i've been needing recently. then we went to denny's, which was a scene like no other! writing tidbits from it can in no way do justice to what we saw. but i'ma try. there was this sad hostess with a high waist and a misconstrued face, who admittedly was "not for sure;" there was a run out on a denny's bill that got everyone worked up and caught in the drama of it all; ms. pearson had me broke down about scoliosis; the list goes on and on and on.

i had a lovely impromptu breakfast and dinner that day with eva and alison and gina. my home away from home here in asheville. i've said it before but it's so refreshing to have friends that have nothing to do with school up here at all. because boy have i been needing to get away.

i'm not a person to try and stir shit up (as robin used to say back in the day to bother me), but this is supposed to be my outlet for some shit, and i'm feeling some type of way about some of my friends right now. i really need a chance to talk to them to let them know what's up. right now is a really hard time for everyone involved, but some shit has gone down that i would never do to friends that i am incapable of being cool with. i'm having a very hard time with something specific that i'm mentioned in here before and shared with my friend and she has been nowhere to be found and a complete flake recently and so not there for me. i feel really let down about it, and don't know where to put my feelings about it, so sometimes i'm hateful, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes betrayed, etc and it's just been a fucking rollercoaster and i am too through with riding that bitch, so something's gotta give.

i woke up this morning feeling incredibly ridiculously shitty and wasn't sure why until i went to check my blood sugar, and realized that it was close to 500, because my insulin pump had gotten pulled out of my skin in my sleep. so i spent the whole day feeling horribly and having two exams back to back. i am not sure that i did well on my marketing exam, and was feeling particularly hateful towards my professor the whole time. you know it's bad when you plan out things to say to someone if they call you out, and that's what i was doing before i got there. i am sure i aced my art history exam, though. i was mad prepared. that's gonna look great on my transcript, though, huh? marketing major with a fucking awesome art history score. but christ, who can even care about that thing anymore. that level of hopelessness cannot even be comprehended. also i missed my counseling appointment, too, which i feel really badly about, so i left her a note explaining the horrendous day. i just want to bury myself in blankets and sleep through the rest of this day and come out on the other side for a better day tomorrow.

gonna be hard, though (naturally), because i have an advising appointment at 9:10 and a class at 9:25, which i fucking told my advisor. there are way too many things wrong with this. number one, how the fuck is the rest of my life supposed to be worked out in 10-15 minutes?! wtf?! number two, why oh why must it be that soon? i have to figure out all these things to show him what i am gonna take so he can approve it. out of spite and complete disregard for his time, i feel as though i'm going to have to forego all that bullshit and get him to do it. i'm too through with everything. and this is blatently not adhering to my time.

then at 9:25 i have my finance class, which i am so lost in. i am going to start going to my section and his other section because i can't get everything down that i need to understand the material and even though he's a really great teacher, his explanations do not help me. i need step by step shit in that class. then i have physics soon after. once again, blech! why on earth am i in yet another physics class? there is no reason this should be.

i can't wait to be home! i'm considering skipping marketing on friday and leaving after class on thursday. i can't get out of here soon enough. i miss everyone at home so much and i'm hating this place more and more each day, and i just need the break.

i think it's time to wrap up and sleep for a while until i feel motivated to face more of this lovely day.